I know I haven't written for a long time now, and honestly that is because I lost the will to. I get a text message from her last Tuesday, saying "goodluck francis, always pray and godbless". I'm not naive not to get the gist of what she is trying to imply, so I move on.
And last Thursday, I was able to talk to my friend, Gaston and his wife, Alexis. Apparently, Alexis' father used to have Jessica's sister as his Dance Instructor. Alexis told me that before, Jessica's sister always used to complain how wild Jessica is - contrary to what she has told and shown.
Somehow, it all seems to make sense now. She never liked me... never did. I do appreciate her effort on being kind enough not to be so frank about it, but I would have preferred her to be straightforward. Nothing wrong with her telling me she doesn't like me or that I'm not her type, it would have saved me a lot of time. Nevertheless, love is trial and error.
I haven't talked to her since. Maybe it's for the better
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Confused
Must this go on? Every time I take something seriously she tells me it's a joke. I know she said what she said yesterday because she was mad, but couldn't she have taken into account what repercussions it may have on my feelings? Then again, I don't expect her to care much about myself.
so confused,
alanfrancisang
so confused,
alanfrancisang
Saturday, February 12, 2011
This Blog is now a Personal Journal
No more about that fictional "Jessica" since she broke all ties with me now. No big deal. I'm not mad, or angry, or upset, just disappointed. Oh well, the sooner we move on, the better.
I will admit that I have always expected this to happen but then again, I disregarded it as something that was only in my head - I trusted my heart. And the moment you trust your heart over your head, that's when you get heartbroken.
I am foolish to believe in something that wasn't there in the first place, and it is all my fault so I won't point fingers or anything. I have no right. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move on. That's what life is all about. It's not about getting what you want or winning, it's about experience. And this is another one that I am going to live with.
alanfrancisang
I will admit that I have always expected this to happen but then again, I disregarded it as something that was only in my head - I trusted my heart. And the moment you trust your heart over your head, that's when you get heartbroken.
I am foolish to believe in something that wasn't there in the first place, and it is all my fault so I won't point fingers or anything. I have no right. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move on. That's what life is all about. It's not about getting what you want or winning, it's about experience. And this is another one that I am going to live with.
alanfrancisang
The Problem with Remote Communication
The only real way of communicating with someone who is out of physical reach is through cyber communication(SMS, e-mail, Facebook, etc), with the exclusion of snail-mail, but who uses the post office nowadays anyway?
It makes it easier for us since we can communicate with anyone where ever he or she is in the world, granted they have a stable link(cellular signal or internet). But the problem is that in these kinds of communication, you want to keep it brief, especially with SMS since you have a 160-character limit with each message. This often leads to misunderstanding since the lack of physical expression usually makes statements such as "I have something to tell you" kind of a premonition of something negative to be said even if you mean it with every positive intention.
Suffice to say, Jessica and I communicate via SMS a lot, but she often takes things the wrong way. Earlier, I asked her a hypothetical question: "Would you listen to a friend's advice even if it meant something negative to another friend?" I was surprised at her understanding that someone doesn't want her for me. I was merely engaging in a meaningful conversation with an intelligent subject, but she took it the wrong way. Also, I noticed that some of the messages in my inbox were already read even if I haven't seen it yet. So I asked the people who know my password to my account if they opened my Facebook account. Again, she thought that I suspected her of going through my stuff, even if all I wanted to know if that she was the one who read it because my main suspect is that I probably left my Facebook account signed in in some internet cafe.
This is one of the obstacles of distance. Some bitch it is, isn't it? Then again, we must try to overcome these trials since at the end of the day, any reward gained from a victory over our daily trials will be sweetly celebrated.
So with that said, I leave you guys to ponder over your lives and your own problems, and how you should try to deal with it in a positive disposition.
alanfrancisang
It makes it easier for us since we can communicate with anyone where ever he or she is in the world, granted they have a stable link(cellular signal or internet). But the problem is that in these kinds of communication, you want to keep it brief, especially with SMS since you have a 160-character limit with each message. This often leads to misunderstanding since the lack of physical expression usually makes statements such as "I have something to tell you" kind of a premonition of something negative to be said even if you mean it with every positive intention.
Suffice to say, Jessica and I communicate via SMS a lot, but she often takes things the wrong way. Earlier, I asked her a hypothetical question: "Would you listen to a friend's advice even if it meant something negative to another friend?" I was surprised at her understanding that someone doesn't want her for me. I was merely engaging in a meaningful conversation with an intelligent subject, but she took it the wrong way. Also, I noticed that some of the messages in my inbox were already read even if I haven't seen it yet. So I asked the people who know my password to my account if they opened my Facebook account. Again, she thought that I suspected her of going through my stuff, even if all I wanted to know if that she was the one who read it because my main suspect is that I probably left my Facebook account signed in in some internet cafe.
This is one of the obstacles of distance. Some bitch it is, isn't it? Then again, we must try to overcome these trials since at the end of the day, any reward gained from a victory over our daily trials will be sweetly celebrated.
So with that said, I leave you guys to ponder over your lives and your own problems, and how you should try to deal with it in a positive disposition.
alanfrancisang
Love Unrequited
Symptoms of Lovesickness
One Broken Heart
Too Many Unwiped Tears
That E m p t y Feeling
Pain. Lots and lots and lots and lots of pain. So deep it cuts into your very being. Leaving scars that will last long after the pain.
When more time is spent on the person you love than you would ever spend on yourself. Even if they would never give you the same sacrifice, and couldn't care less what your time is spent on.
No matter what you will always believe there is hope. And you despise yourself for it.
When your Heart has been ripped out, and ignored, yet still can't let go.
When you would do anything for your love... Even if it means that you can't love them.
When you try to find new ways to hate them. Becuase then at least it wouldn't hurt so much.
When everything is out of your control.
When you can't say why you love them, and to you that's the strongest love anyone can ever have.
When you realize that you can never, ever have her...
When you have finally hit the lowest low. And no one can bring you up, and anyone who can will never be there.
When you care so much about the person you forget about everything else completely, even your health and wellbeing.
When you sit and write something like this crying to yourself, and wondering why you are so pathetic.
When you can't sleep at night becuase when you close your eyes, they are standing there to remind you that you are alone.
When you feel all these feelings, but are too afraid to tell them, because you're scared they might not care. And the truth is they probably won't.
When you feel their presence everywhere. But you don't want to because it's just another reminder of how far away they really are.
When the pain is so great, you feel that giving up altogether is the only choice, when really you have so much to live for.
When they have told you that they don't love you. And you would do anything to say those same words...and mean it.
But the only words that you can say are:
I love you, and no matter what happens I will still love you and I still think of you all the time. I know it means nothing to you, but you mean everything to me.
Please if anyone ever falls in love with you and feels this strongly. Don't shrug it off like it is nothing, I'm not asking you to love them back, I'm just asking you to care.
And if anyone ever falls in love with someone this strongly and they don't love you the same way, hold on to every last bit of sanity you have. Don't let it completely ruin who you are. You are a wonderful person and can pull through. You will have some very rough times. But, it will get better...
It is better to have shown love, than to have never loved at all.
until next time,
alanfrancisang
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Maybe, Just Maybe
Before I write anything, I'd like to thanks the girls from CSA-B who have been reading my blog. I really appreciate it.
I have been thinking a lot recently about what action to take and what direction to head to with my circumstance right now. I'm confused as to what to believe in since I am void of any of her feelings because of the distance. :|
A few days ago, I asked her:
"If I were to court you, that must mean that I must be ready for competition right?"
This was because she told me what happened to her a few nights ago. Her friends and she went to a comedy bar sort of thing in Alabang. I forgot why, but for some reason she was called up on stage to sing, and she did. Apparently, she mezmerized the crowd with her voice - as what I've said, the best I've listened to. After that, some guy approached her and asked if he can add her up on Facebook. She gave him a fake name hahaha. I won't go into detail with this story since it is quite a lengthy one, but to make a long story short, this guy stirred up a commotion at the bar which led Jessica and her friends to go to Starbucks instead.
Now back to what I asked her - she told me that there is no competition, that there are no suitors or anything like that. Unbelievable, I thought. Everytime she stepped out of the comfort of her house, some guy always manages to try to either hit on her, ask for her name, number or whatnot.
I told her that if what she is saying is true, that if there are no suitors, I know why. I texted her:
"Maybe that person doesn't wanna court you just yet because he still is unsure of how you feel towards him, and is afraid of getting turned down. Maybe because he just can't see that you really do have feelings for him because of the distance. Maybe because you and him have a friendship that he treasures, and if he courted too early or at the wrong time, it would make your friendship with each other awkward - he wants to wait for the right time. Maybe because he'd rather just have you as his friend than risk losing that friendship you have with him , even if he already has fallen so hard in love with you because all he really wants is to keep you close. Maybe because he knows that you still have feelings for your ex, and even if what is done is done, he still is considerate enough to take into account your feelings because he knows you are still in a fragile and delicate state. Maybe because he just wants to wait for the time that you would open your heart to him , that he would see that you also do have feelings for him and that you've also fallen for him too. Maybe because he feels that he has to prove himself to you to show you that he is worthy, and for the sake that you would also see that he truly loves you with all his heart. Maybe because he wants you to be truly happy, as lovers or friends, either way, because deep inside, it's your smile that inspires his. Maybe, just maybe."
She liked what I texted her, and I feel that that was the only way I could tell her how I feel since I was never really good at expressing my emotions, especially if I am unsure of how the person I am sharing to will take it. Nonetheless, what I told her was entirely true, and so lies a great task ahead of me - to show her that I really meant it.
Ciao you guys,
alanfrancisang
I have been thinking a lot recently about what action to take and what direction to head to with my circumstance right now. I'm confused as to what to believe in since I am void of any of her feelings because of the distance. :|
A few days ago, I asked her:
"If I were to court you, that must mean that I must be ready for competition right?"
This was because she told me what happened to her a few nights ago. Her friends and she went to a comedy bar sort of thing in Alabang. I forgot why, but for some reason she was called up on stage to sing, and she did. Apparently, she mezmerized the crowd with her voice - as what I've said, the best I've listened to. After that, some guy approached her and asked if he can add her up on Facebook. She gave him a fake name hahaha. I won't go into detail with this story since it is quite a lengthy one, but to make a long story short, this guy stirred up a commotion at the bar which led Jessica and her friends to go to Starbucks instead.
Now back to what I asked her - she told me that there is no competition, that there are no suitors or anything like that. Unbelievable, I thought. Everytime she stepped out of the comfort of her house, some guy always manages to try to either hit on her, ask for her name, number or whatnot.
I told her that if what she is saying is true, that if there are no suitors, I know why. I texted her:
"Maybe that person doesn't wanna court you just yet because he still is unsure of how you feel towards him, and is afraid of getting turned down. Maybe because he just can't see that you really do have feelings for him because of the distance. Maybe because you and him have a friendship that he treasures, and if he courted too early or at the wrong time, it would make your friendship with each other awkward - he wants to wait for the right time. Maybe because he'd rather just have you as his friend than risk losing that friendship you have with him , even if he already has fallen so hard in love with you because all he really wants is to keep you close. Maybe because he knows that you still have feelings for your ex, and even if what is done is done, he still is considerate enough to take into account your feelings because he knows you are still in a fragile and delicate state. Maybe because he just wants to wait for the time that you would open your heart to him , that he would see that you also do have feelings for him and that you've also fallen for him too. Maybe because he feels that he has to prove himself to you to show you that he is worthy, and for the sake that you would also see that he truly loves you with all his heart. Maybe because he wants you to be truly happy, as lovers or friends, either way, because deep inside, it's your smile that inspires his. Maybe, just maybe."
She liked what I texted her, and I feel that that was the only way I could tell her how I feel since I was never really good at expressing my emotions, especially if I am unsure of how the person I am sharing to will take it. Nonetheless, what I told her was entirely true, and so lies a great task ahead of me - to show her that I really meant it.
Ciao you guys,
alanfrancisang
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Back for Good
I'd like to talk about certain things before I kick off with my blog once again.
Sometimes in life, we stumble down and fall. You can't always expect it to be always the way you want it. Life isn't about winning - it's about experience. It doesn't matter if you fall 10 times, what's important is that you stand up 11.
Okay, back on topic.
I haven't written for more than a month now since I decided last Christmas to abandon this blog since I saw that there was no use for it anymore.
For the past month, Jessica was busy with this pageant she joined in Binan, Laguna. We weren't able to communicate much since she had a really hectic schedule. Not that it's a big deal, but I'll be honest enough to admit that it really made me miss her a lot. We never had a meaningful conversation because everytime we were able to talk or SMS it was either just a "hi" or a "good night".
She didn't make the top of the pageant, even if she was clearly one of the quality candidates, no bias in my opinion. But then again, a lot were taller than her and apparently that was a factor. And the one who won the pageant was the daughter of a city employee, who also was the niece of the mayor. So no question there, it was the connections that boosted her. No point in arguing who should win, what's done is done. A trophy can always be won, but experience is hard to come by.
Yesterday, while I was surfing the net and playing a game of DotA, she texted me to call her. I wasn't really expecting her to tell me anything maybe she just wanted to say hello, so I called her. When she answered my call, she was crying.
Her ex boyfriend called her. He wanted to get back with her, to give him another chance. Now, for the sake of protecting the identity of Jessica's ex boyfriend, I will not say what went wrong with their relationship. He told her that ever since they broke up, he realized that he did not just lose her, he lost a friend, he lost a sister, he lost the love of his life. He won't be able to bear seeing her in another guy's arms.
Suffice to say, he hasn't totally moved on. But so did Jessica. She admitted that she still has feelings for him, but she wouldn't give him another chance because of the familiar pain that she might feel again. She told me that she was so hurt when they broke up that now, even if she is about to fall for someone else, she has to contain her feelings because of her fear of getting hurt again. She told me that a broken glass can always be fixed, but you will always see the cracks. She asked me what I thought about the matter, and even if I really wanted to speak my mind, I denied my own opinion for the sake of not having a bias in the advice I would give her.
"A glass can always be fixed, but you can always see the cracks - but then again, if you were to melt the glass and make a new one, that's another story"
I told her that he made a mistake. Maybe even more than once. But who knows, people do change. Even if they are prone to repeat mistakes, some people sincerely change for the better. With this in mind, he too could have also changed. Maybe this time, it would be forever. I know I don't have the right to influence her decision, as long as she is happy I'd be happy as well. Her smile is what inspires mine.
"Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you missed" - a lesson to those who take things, people, and opportunities for granted.
I could really tell that she was really in love with him, and maybe even still is. Honestly, I don't know what to feel. I mean, I'm kind of caught in the middle. I am her friend, and I wanna help her. I want to help her decide on what to do without any bias, yet let's be honest, I'm in love with her. I'm trying not to be jealous, but I don't know - do I have the right to be jealous?
I'm still trying to sort things out for myself. I want to know the things that I should really pursue - the things that I want to be part of my future, the people I wanna have in my life, and the things that I must leave behind. Am I wasting my time? My effort? My affection? It's been 3 years since my last relationship, but I don't care how long I have to wait. But I wanna know if I really am waiting for something. I need a sign! But is it selfish to ask for one? I know I must be patient, but patience over something that yields nothing is but a waste of your time. Nevertheless, I'll trudge on believing what I want. I know that I will have my day, that I will have that moment with her.
I'll see to it she will never talk to anyone about how I broke her heart, but talk about how I am part of it.
Sometimes in life, we stumble down and fall. You can't always expect it to be always the way you want it. Life isn't about winning - it's about experience. It doesn't matter if you fall 10 times, what's important is that you stand up 11.
Okay, back on topic.
I haven't written for more than a month now since I decided last Christmas to abandon this blog since I saw that there was no use for it anymore.
For the past month, Jessica was busy with this pageant she joined in Binan, Laguna. We weren't able to communicate much since she had a really hectic schedule. Not that it's a big deal, but I'll be honest enough to admit that it really made me miss her a lot. We never had a meaningful conversation because everytime we were able to talk or SMS it was either just a "hi" or a "good night".
She didn't make the top of the pageant, even if she was clearly one of the quality candidates, no bias in my opinion. But then again, a lot were taller than her and apparently that was a factor. And the one who won the pageant was the daughter of a city employee, who also was the niece of the mayor. So no question there, it was the connections that boosted her. No point in arguing who should win, what's done is done. A trophy can always be won, but experience is hard to come by.
Yesterday, while I was surfing the net and playing a game of DotA, she texted me to call her. I wasn't really expecting her to tell me anything maybe she just wanted to say hello, so I called her. When she answered my call, she was crying.
Her ex boyfriend called her. He wanted to get back with her, to give him another chance. Now, for the sake of protecting the identity of Jessica's ex boyfriend, I will not say what went wrong with their relationship. He told her that ever since they broke up, he realized that he did not just lose her, he lost a friend, he lost a sister, he lost the love of his life. He won't be able to bear seeing her in another guy's arms.
Suffice to say, he hasn't totally moved on. But so did Jessica. She admitted that she still has feelings for him, but she wouldn't give him another chance because of the familiar pain that she might feel again. She told me that she was so hurt when they broke up that now, even if she is about to fall for someone else, she has to contain her feelings because of her fear of getting hurt again. She told me that a broken glass can always be fixed, but you will always see the cracks. She asked me what I thought about the matter, and even if I really wanted to speak my mind, I denied my own opinion for the sake of not having a bias in the advice I would give her.
"A glass can always be fixed, but you can always see the cracks - but then again, if you were to melt the glass and make a new one, that's another story"
I told her that he made a mistake. Maybe even more than once. But who knows, people do change. Even if they are prone to repeat mistakes, some people sincerely change for the better. With this in mind, he too could have also changed. Maybe this time, it would be forever. I know I don't have the right to influence her decision, as long as she is happy I'd be happy as well. Her smile is what inspires mine.
"Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you missed" - a lesson to those who take things, people, and opportunities for granted.
I could really tell that she was really in love with him, and maybe even still is. Honestly, I don't know what to feel. I mean, I'm kind of caught in the middle. I am her friend, and I wanna help her. I want to help her decide on what to do without any bias, yet let's be honest, I'm in love with her. I'm trying not to be jealous, but I don't know - do I have the right to be jealous?
I'm still trying to sort things out for myself. I want to know the things that I should really pursue - the things that I want to be part of my future, the people I wanna have in my life, and the things that I must leave behind. Am I wasting my time? My effort? My affection? It's been 3 years since my last relationship, but I don't care how long I have to wait. But I wanna know if I really am waiting for something. I need a sign! But is it selfish to ask for one? I know I must be patient, but patience over something that yields nothing is but a waste of your time. Nevertheless, I'll trudge on believing what I want. I know that I will have my day, that I will have that moment with her.
I'll see to it she will never talk to anyone about how I broke her heart, but talk about how I am part of it.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas
It's a pain to realize that Christmas isn't really merry to everyone.
I deleted my Facebook account earlier, seeing that no one would miss me anyway.
I know that no matter how great my feelings are for her, right now she will never feel the same way for me. I do not call it unfair because it's my fault I fell in love so fast. I do not say it's her fault because she had nothing to do with how I feel.
I am hopeful though that someday I will find love. But for that to happen, I have to find her again.
I deleted my Facebook account earlier, seeing that no one would miss me anyway.
I know that no matter how great my feelings are for her, right now she will never feel the same way for me. I do not call it unfair because it's my fault I fell in love so fast. I do not say it's her fault because she had nothing to do with how I feel.
I am hopeful though that someday I will find love. But for that to happen, I have to find her again.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Piecing the Puzzle
I've known her for more than 6 months now(Since June), and the time has come that I must put all of it to pause.
I've had more than my fair share of problems, fiduciary, scholastic, and relational, and what is unfair is that when my parents talk to me they attribute the root cause of the problem to the fact that I love her.
For you to fully grasp the gist of what I am saying let me explain:
1.) I have financial obligations to some of my clients of my business, the money I already spent. They say that I didn't actually spend the money, rather, I sent it to her.
2.) The reason why I didn't attend the majority of my classes was because I spent the time I was supposed to be inside the classroom with her.
This is unfair. Especially on her part. She had nothing to do about any of the problems I have. To be sincerely honest, the problem was with my addiction to "other" girls.
There was a lapse in time during my knowing her when she didn't talk to me anymore. Refer to this blogpost last November http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/11/cold-november.html
When that happened, I was devastated because the girl I have grown affection to suddenly just disappeared. Although we haven't met yet, I knew that she was special - different from any other girl. So when that happened, I foolishly gave up. Forgot about everything. And moved on. I met different girls.
I dated 8 different girls. All at the same time. Sometimes went out with a whole bunch of girls. I'll be frank, I did enjoy it for all it's worth. But the feeling was temporal. It isn't that feeling I was looking for.
I had lunch dates and dinner dates in one day, sometimes even had the night out. I threw parties left and right at the house when my parents weren't there. The clock turned fast during that time, I had many absences in my classes, and the money I had earned was fast gone - I even spent some of what was not my income.
This led me to become deep in financial problems because of my mismanagement of money. And this problem still trails where I make footsteps now.
When the time came that I got to actually meet her in person(http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/11/one-way-ticket-to-love.html), everything went away. I gave up on dating other girls. She was what I was looking for. What I was longing for.
But cruel as the world may be, though I may have stopped meeting other girls, throwing parties, having nights out and the countless dates, my problems with money were still there.
But my parents just recently found out about all of my problems. And guess what? She was the only one there in the picture.
It's unfair that for the mistakes I've made that she would be pinned as the cause. No. She is not the cause. She is my redemption. She has been giving me advice on what to do with my problems and so far, it has really helped.
My natural response to problems is running away from it. But she told me to stand strong (http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/12/blog-post.html)
Now, my father told me to stop communication with her. He told me that he would call her and tell her as well. But to my surprise he told her a different story.
He told her how much I was in love with her and how maybe she could be the one to set me straight. But I do not really understand whether he means that she must also stop communicating with me or to help me through advice.
She wants to keep her distance. She believes it's better if she was out for the picture for the time being. She reassured me though that she would always be there for me. That we are still friends.
Friends.
That isn't the word I hoped we would be some day.
Nonetheless, I must say goodbye to her - be it for now or forever.
Whatever happens though, I'm really happy that I got to know her. That I fell in love with her.
Scratch that, I'm not happy. I'm happier than happy.
Thank you for everything. I know you are the only one reading this. I really appreciate everything. I love you babe.. Goodbye :'(
I've had more than my fair share of problems, fiduciary, scholastic, and relational, and what is unfair is that when my parents talk to me they attribute the root cause of the problem to the fact that I love her.
For you to fully grasp the gist of what I am saying let me explain:
1.) I have financial obligations to some of my clients of my business, the money I already spent. They say that I didn't actually spend the money, rather, I sent it to her.
2.) The reason why I didn't attend the majority of my classes was because I spent the time I was supposed to be inside the classroom with her.
This is unfair. Especially on her part. She had nothing to do about any of the problems I have. To be sincerely honest, the problem was with my addiction to "other" girls.
There was a lapse in time during my knowing her when she didn't talk to me anymore. Refer to this blogpost last November http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/11/cold-november.html
When that happened, I was devastated because the girl I have grown affection to suddenly just disappeared. Although we haven't met yet, I knew that she was special - different from any other girl. So when that happened, I foolishly gave up. Forgot about everything. And moved on. I met different girls.
I dated 8 different girls. All at the same time. Sometimes went out with a whole bunch of girls. I'll be frank, I did enjoy it for all it's worth. But the feeling was temporal. It isn't that feeling I was looking for.
I had lunch dates and dinner dates in one day, sometimes even had the night out. I threw parties left and right at the house when my parents weren't there. The clock turned fast during that time, I had many absences in my classes, and the money I had earned was fast gone - I even spent some of what was not my income.
This led me to become deep in financial problems because of my mismanagement of money. And this problem still trails where I make footsteps now.
When the time came that I got to actually meet her in person(http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/11/one-way-ticket-to-love.html), everything went away. I gave up on dating other girls. She was what I was looking for. What I was longing for.
But cruel as the world may be, though I may have stopped meeting other girls, throwing parties, having nights out and the countless dates, my problems with money were still there.
But my parents just recently found out about all of my problems. And guess what? She was the only one there in the picture.
It's unfair that for the mistakes I've made that she would be pinned as the cause. No. She is not the cause. She is my redemption. She has been giving me advice on what to do with my problems and so far, it has really helped.
My natural response to problems is running away from it. But she told me to stand strong (http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/12/blog-post.html)
Now, my father told me to stop communication with her. He told me that he would call her and tell her as well. But to my surprise he told her a different story.
He told her how much I was in love with her and how maybe she could be the one to set me straight. But I do not really understand whether he means that she must also stop communicating with me or to help me through advice.
She wants to keep her distance. She believes it's better if she was out for the picture for the time being. She reassured me though that she would always be there for me. That we are still friends.
Friends.
That isn't the word I hoped we would be some day.
Nonetheless, I must say goodbye to her - be it for now or forever.
Whatever happens though, I'm really happy that I got to know her. That I fell in love with her.
Scratch that, I'm not happy. I'm happier than happy.
Thank you for everything. I know you are the only one reading this. I really appreciate everything. I love you babe.. Goodbye :'(
Monday, December 13, 2010
Think Less of Your Woes
I have come to the realization that you must not spend too much time worrying about your problems because it hinders you to enjoy the blessings that God gave you. It holds you back to appreciate the things that bring you joy.
I have spent the majority of last week in pain, agony, suffering, and hurt.And in effect I have failed to appreciate many things.
I failed to appreciate the fact that she didn't mind if I was just another flawed person.
She sent me a text message which she got from her sister. It read:
Life is never about proving people that you are a good person. Sometimes, the bad things matter. For in your dark side, you see who are ready to light the road with you. It's not how many your friends are, or how many people roam around you, but it's how few of them accept your being you. For in your nothingness, people TRUE to you find reasons to love you still...
I was touched by this, and even if it is just another text message quote passed around like a prono flier in the mall, I know she meant every single letter in the messag ewith all her heart.
<3
alanfrancisang
I have spent the majority of last week in pain, agony, suffering, and hurt.And in effect I have failed to appreciate many things.
I failed to appreciate the fact that she didn't mind if I was just another flawed person.
She sent me a text message which she got from her sister. It read:
Life is never about proving people that you are a good person. Sometimes, the bad things matter. For in your dark side, you see who are ready to light the road with you. It's not how many your friends are, or how many people roam around you, but it's how few of them accept your being you. For in your nothingness, people TRUE to you find reasons to love you still...
I was touched by this, and even if it is just another text message quote passed around like a prono flier in the mall, I know she meant every single letter in the messag ewith all her heart.
<3
alanfrancisang
Saturday, December 11, 2010
When Things Go Wrong
Has anyone noticed that the second you decide to turn over a new leaf, life screws you up and you end up worse than where you left off?
This is exactly the case with me. I am so fucked up right now, and honestly I do not know what to do. I feel like killing myself, but then again that is against my Christian morals.
I feel like running away. Running away to anywhere, no looking back, leaving all the problems behind.
But just because you ran away from all your problems it doesn't mean you have fixed them. Problem treads on the footsteps of those who flee from them.
I talked to her and she told me to be strong. For her. And for once in my life, I will. I no longer want to be engulfed in the shroud of misery. I want to face the music. Two things give me strength - God, and her.
Maybe I am after all turning a new leaf. Maybe it is about time that all this changed.
This is one of the many reasons why she's the one. This is why I love her.
alanfrancisang
This is exactly the case with me. I am so fucked up right now, and honestly I do not know what to do. I feel like killing myself, but then again that is against my Christian morals.
I feel like running away. Running away to anywhere, no looking back, leaving all the problems behind.
But just because you ran away from all your problems it doesn't mean you have fixed them. Problem treads on the footsteps of those who flee from them.
I talked to her and she told me to be strong. For her. And for once in my life, I will. I no longer want to be engulfed in the shroud of misery. I want to face the music. Two things give me strength - God, and her.
Maybe I am after all turning a new leaf. Maybe it is about time that all this changed.
This is one of the many reasons why she's the one. This is why I love her.
alanfrancisang
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
10 Things I Like About Her
1.) She's pretty
Yep, very very pretty. In fact, the most gorgeous girl I've had the pleasure of knowing. She has really sexy eyes, red lips, fair skin, and just the right physique. Of course, everyone expects me to start with the physical aspects cos I'm a guy, but the reason why I'm saying this first is because she really is pretty...period...
2.) She's simple
Not like the other girls I've mingled with, all of whom are very high-strung. She's down to earth and that's why I like her. All the girls I've been with try too hard to be classy and look good in society but the truth it, I don't care if we don't go to Starbucks, an afternoon at the park on a bench is as good as any other date there is - even better.
3.) She's sweet
And I don't mean just sweet sweet. I mean the way she really playfully banters with me is something I really appreciate. Being serious in a relationship is good, but it's not all about SEX. I'd rather play, cuddle, etc than do the deed.
4.) She's a good girl
She drinks, but rarely(I hope so). She doesn't smoke, she doesn't do drugs, she's not a flirt, she's not a b*tch, she's perfect ;) well, almost. I still wish she didn't drink :D
5.) She has the most gorgeous eyes
Yes, going back to the physical aspects, I'd like to reiterate her eyes. If I looked at her eyes a million times, I'd fall in love a million times as well. Her eyes sparkles with this magic and I can't help but gaze at them. You really have to see it for yourselves.
6.) She sings like a nightingale
The best female voice I've ever heard. The first time I heard her sing, the song was Tattooed on my Mind. I was stunned to hear such sweet music - even if we were just singing at a karaoke. Now I play the song to sleep every night.
7.) She's honest
Even with the personal things I ask her, she really opens up - and I think this is one of the more important things I've come to adore her for. Few are those who are willing to speak the truth, I'm glad she is one of those people.
8.) She isn't in it for the $$$
And I thank God for that. Honestly, all the girls I've been with are G*lddiggers!!!!!! Seriously! I've never had a date with them at the park, or taking a walk at the lagoon, or driving around the outskirts of the city. It's always Starbucks, or some fancy restaurant. I've even dated girls who later asks for money!
9.) She's close with her family
I'm impressed on how close the bond of their family is - I envy them because my family isn't like that. She tells her mom everything, and I mean everything! Heck, she even printed my whole blog and read it to her mom. She's also super close to her older sister and her older brother, also her father.
10.) She's close with God
She volunteers at church every Sunday, tells me to pray ever so often, and always tries to relate things we talk about with lessons from the bible.
I may not be the perfect guy, but I sure am grateful to God that he showed me the perfect girl :)
Yep, very very pretty. In fact, the most gorgeous girl I've had the pleasure of knowing. She has really sexy eyes, red lips, fair skin, and just the right physique. Of course, everyone expects me to start with the physical aspects cos I'm a guy, but the reason why I'm saying this first is because she really is pretty...period...
2.) She's simple
Not like the other girls I've mingled with, all of whom are very high-strung. She's down to earth and that's why I like her. All the girls I've been with try too hard to be classy and look good in society but the truth it, I don't care if we don't go to Starbucks, an afternoon at the park on a bench is as good as any other date there is - even better.
3.) She's sweet
And I don't mean just sweet sweet. I mean the way she really playfully banters with me is something I really appreciate. Being serious in a relationship is good, but it's not all about SEX. I'd rather play, cuddle, etc than do the deed.
4.) She's a good girl
She drinks, but rarely(I hope so). She doesn't smoke, she doesn't do drugs, she's not a flirt, she's not a b*tch, she's perfect ;) well, almost. I still wish she didn't drink :D
5.) She has the most gorgeous eyes
Yes, going back to the physical aspects, I'd like to reiterate her eyes. If I looked at her eyes a million times, I'd fall in love a million times as well. Her eyes sparkles with this magic and I can't help but gaze at them. You really have to see it for yourselves.
6.) She sings like a nightingale
The best female voice I've ever heard. The first time I heard her sing, the song was Tattooed on my Mind. I was stunned to hear such sweet music - even if we were just singing at a karaoke. Now I play the song to sleep every night.
7.) She's honest
Even with the personal things I ask her, she really opens up - and I think this is one of the more important things I've come to adore her for. Few are those who are willing to speak the truth, I'm glad she is one of those people.
8.) She isn't in it for the $$$
And I thank God for that. Honestly, all the girls I've been with are G*lddiggers!!!!!! Seriously! I've never had a date with them at the park, or taking a walk at the lagoon, or driving around the outskirts of the city. It's always Starbucks, or some fancy restaurant. I've even dated girls who later asks for money!
9.) She's close with her family
I'm impressed on how close the bond of their family is - I envy them because my family isn't like that. She tells her mom everything, and I mean everything! Heck, she even printed my whole blog and read it to her mom. She's also super close to her older sister and her older brother, also her father.
10.) She's close with God
She volunteers at church every Sunday, tells me to pray ever so often, and always tries to relate things we talk about with lessons from the bible.
I may not be the perfect guy, but I sure am grateful to God that he showed me the perfect girl :)
Monday, December 6, 2010
Petulant
Yes, I am petulant. Over some things which I cannot explain.
I know I'm not the best, in fact im far from it. And she has a zillion choices. Would she really settle for someone just like me? As much as I would like to think each day she is getting closer to becoming mine, I still fear that maybe I'm just living in a dream in which I have conceptualized as reality.
There are things in which time can only answer so here I am - waiting. Even if it means my hair graying and my skin wrinkling, time is now all I have and all I can do now is wait.
I know I'm not the best, in fact im far from it. And she has a zillion choices. Would she really settle for someone just like me? As much as I would like to think each day she is getting closer to becoming mine, I still fear that maybe I'm just living in a dream in which I have conceptualized as reality.
There are things in which time can only answer so here I am - waiting. Even if it means my hair graying and my skin wrinkling, time is now all I have and all I can do now is wait.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Lazy Sunday
Hi guys, once again I terribly am sorry for not being able to post, I've been busy with school work lately.
Okay, first things first, I'm cool with my parents now, they have seemed to cooled off now. If things keep up, I might be able to get everything back in no time at all.
Anyway, I'd like to take this time to write about how I feel now.
I MISS HER
I do. Every single second she isn't here with me. I have seemed to have developed a liking to her very "kulit"(playfully nagging) personality.
Honestly though, I am still somewhat unsure about her really considering me as a lover - it is more plausible to think that she is just toying with me. I mean, here I am, ugly, fat, and she's very pretty, sexy, and gorgeous.
I actually am trying to do what I can, waking up to jog at 5am, going to the gym, dieting, I'll see what I can do with the determination I have now to fight for worth in her eyes.
I will do anything and everything for her to actually see me as someone worthy of her love.
Okay, first things first, I'm cool with my parents now, they have seemed to cooled off now. If things keep up, I might be able to get everything back in no time at all.
Anyway, I'd like to take this time to write about how I feel now.
I MISS HER
I do. Every single second she isn't here with me. I have seemed to have developed a liking to her very "kulit"(playfully nagging) personality.
Honestly though, I am still somewhat unsure about her really considering me as a lover - it is more plausible to think that she is just toying with me. I mean, here I am, ugly, fat, and she's very pretty, sexy, and gorgeous.
I actually am trying to do what I can, waking up to jog at 5am, going to the gym, dieting, I'll see what I can do with the determination I have now to fight for worth in her eyes.
I will do anything and everything for her to actually see me as someone worthy of her love.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Apologies for the Lapse
Hey guys, I'm sorry that I haven't posted for quite some time now. It's not that I've forgotten, but there have been some really big issues that came up.
REALLY BIG ISSUES.
Anyway, I'll talk about those issues maybe later or tomorrow, as my time is limited right now. I don't have "internet privileges" at home right now, so I'm using internet at internet cafes.
Moving on, I'd like to discuss a plan I have for this coming Christmas Break. I'm not entirely sure if she is coming back home for the holidays, but nonetheless, it pays off to plan.
The last time we had a road trip, we went to Silay to Purok Balaring, had a nice lunch there and enjoyed the breezy noontime in the ocean side. After which, we went to the Mangrove Forest in Silay. The place is simply magical, I do recommend it to everyone who hasn't gone there yet. It was the essence of nature itself in the form of a tourist attraction. I gazed at her as the scattered sunlight dispersed by the thick foliage illuminated her gorgeous face and I was simply in love that moment. After a long trek at the forest, we decided to end the day at The Ruins in Talisay.
That day was simply one of the best I had in my life and I spent it with her, along with other friends.
Now, for the next trip that I'm planning, I've decided to go to the Negros mountainside. Mambukal in the morning, hike and swimming then after that, lunch and chill the afternoon away, then go up to Don Salvador Benedicto, watching the sunset at the majestic Negros mountainside. Then when the night fades in, we will set up a bonfire and barbeque our dinner, as we listen to the gentle river plowing through the earth while the myriads of fireflies illuminate the foot of the mountain.
Sounds like a nice plan but it won't be as good as it sounds without her. To all her friends who would read this, please convince her! I need her here with me...
alanfrancisang
REALLY BIG ISSUES.
Anyway, I'll talk about those issues maybe later or tomorrow, as my time is limited right now. I don't have "internet privileges" at home right now, so I'm using internet at internet cafes.
Moving on, I'd like to discuss a plan I have for this coming Christmas Break. I'm not entirely sure if she is coming back home for the holidays, but nonetheless, it pays off to plan.
The last time we had a road trip, we went to Silay to Purok Balaring, had a nice lunch there and enjoyed the breezy noontime in the ocean side. After which, we went to the Mangrove Forest in Silay. The place is simply magical, I do recommend it to everyone who hasn't gone there yet. It was the essence of nature itself in the form of a tourist attraction. I gazed at her as the scattered sunlight dispersed by the thick foliage illuminated her gorgeous face and I was simply in love that moment. After a long trek at the forest, we decided to end the day at The Ruins in Talisay.
That day was simply one of the best I had in my life and I spent it with her, along with other friends.
Now, for the next trip that I'm planning, I've decided to go to the Negros mountainside. Mambukal in the morning, hike and swimming then after that, lunch and chill the afternoon away, then go up to Don Salvador Benedicto, watching the sunset at the majestic Negros mountainside. Then when the night fades in, we will set up a bonfire and barbeque our dinner, as we listen to the gentle river plowing through the earth while the myriads of fireflies illuminate the foot of the mountain.
Sounds like a nice plan but it won't be as good as it sounds without her. To all her friends who would read this, please convince her! I need her here with me...
alanfrancisang
Monday, November 29, 2010
Enough About Her, Here's a Post About Me
Alone time gives you time to think... ponder... reflect - on the important things in your life.
This morning was one of those moments.
I was nobody. I didn't have friends. I didn't have a girl. I was busy with school and I had work. Life to me was a burden at best, and a nightmare for the most part.
Until she came.
Now, I won't elaborate on the things that happened because I have already written it here on my previous posts, but let me tell you, ever since I have felt that maybe all those years of waiting for the right one is over.
I have now felt the things I haven't felt for such a long time - love, joy, and content.
I now can say that I am truly happy with my life, and as far as this goes, I wish this feeling will never fade.
This morning was one of those moments.
I was nobody. I didn't have friends. I didn't have a girl. I was busy with school and I had work. Life to me was a burden at best, and a nightmare for the most part.
Until she came.
Now, I won't elaborate on the things that happened because I have already written it here on my previous posts, but let me tell you, ever since I have felt that maybe all those years of waiting for the right one is over.
I have now felt the things I haven't felt for such a long time - love, joy, and content.
I now can say that I am truly happy with my life, and as far as this goes, I wish this feeling will never fade.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Lost In Her Eyes
Finally, after 1 whole day of delay, she made it safely to Bacolod - again. What's fun is that her aunt, the wife of her mom's brother, is my mom's secretary/friend/fellow LION. And they see each other almost every day. They took the same flight home, and can you imagine the panic that ensued from the hype? If her aunt found out, it would definitely reach my mom. And I don't want that to happen. Anyway, what we did was the second she got out of the plane, she would rush to the departure area and not the arrival area where I was waiting for her, engines ready for our grand escape - hahaha :D
That single moment I had with her in the car when I gazed upon her beauty was something I will surely cherish from this day forward. That moment was the moment I fixed my eyes upon God's most beautiful angel.
alanfrancisang
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Boundaries
In every relationship, the doors of certain things only open in due time, such as when it's okay to hold her hand, or when it's okay to kiss, et cetera.
Rushing things can only mean that everything will eventually blow over. A relationship is like a building - it must have a strong foundation to endure the hardships and trials that time brings, because if it does not everything will just come crashing down sooner or later.
Worthy is the man who can respect the boundaries of a relationship. I too plan to become such man.
alanfrancisang
P.S.
In case you guys are wondering why I always write in this manner, let me just say that at the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. :) <3
Rushing things can only mean that everything will eventually blow over. A relationship is like a building - it must have a strong foundation to endure the hardships and trials that time brings, because if it does not everything will just come crashing down sooner or later.
Worthy is the man who can respect the boundaries of a relationship. I too plan to become such man.
alanfrancisang
P.S.
In case you guys are wondering why I always write in this manner, let me just say that at the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. :) <3
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Some Things I'd Like to Talk About
It has been exactly 28.2 hours since she left. That is 1692 minutes. Or 101520 seconds. Yet it feels like I've been missing her for years. At first I tried to drink the feeling away but it still remains despite the fact that 6 bottles in an hour wasn't a pretty thing. Then I thought - she can just visit here any time. So I made sure she did. We planned that she would come back on Friday(originally Wednesday but her older sister didn't permit me on such early date considering that she still has class). This instilled a sense of calm in my mind.
My joy is beyond measure, knowing that in a few days she will be back in my arms. We decided that this time, we would not waste time anymore whenever we are together. During her last visit, we would always not know where to go hence wasting the little time we have together.
One big issue I'd like to bring up is the fact that she might move back here to Bacolod. Although it made me happy hearing this, it also makes me sad knowing that the reason behind this dilemma is quite the tragic tale of which I can relate with. This made me daydream for a second though - seeing her dressed in a La Sallian uniform slowly walking down the hall in La Salle, her hair blowing back as she meets me at the end. But as good of a thought as it is, I know that this is highly improbable.
Where ever she may be, it really doesn't matter. All I know that a part of her will always be with me.
My joy is beyond measure, knowing that in a few days she will be back in my arms. We decided that this time, we would not waste time anymore whenever we are together. During her last visit, we would always not know where to go hence wasting the little time we have together.
One big issue I'd like to bring up is the fact that she might move back here to Bacolod. Although it made me happy hearing this, it also makes me sad knowing that the reason behind this dilemma is quite the tragic tale of which I can relate with. This made me daydream for a second though - seeing her dressed in a La Sallian uniform slowly walking down the hall in La Salle, her hair blowing back as she meets me at the end. But as good of a thought as it is, I know that this is highly improbable.
Where ever she may be, it really doesn't matter. All I know that a part of her will always be with me.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Several Uncertainties
I am amidst a very hard obstacle to tackle - the fact that she does not want anyone to know about us. True she is not my girlfriend and I am not her boyfriend, but that is because she does not want to rush things yet. But she does have feelings for me.
But the bigger question is
"Why doesn't she want her friends to know that something is going on between us both?"
Why does she want to keep it a secret anyway? Some reasons are okay, but some are destructive and I probably consider not going any further because I will only end up getting hurt. For example:
Good Reason:
-She plans to tell everyone as soon as we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend
Bad Reasons:
-She doesn't think her friends will think I'm worthy
-She's embarrassed to be seen with me
-She secretly wants to get back with her ex and doesn't wanna blow her chances
-I'm not the only guy
One more thing that I have encountered with her is that she never gives me straight answers at questions concerning the possibilities of a relationship with her. Is it really fair that she's keeping secrets from me? As far as I'm concerned, girls like that shouldn't be trusted with your heart. Too bad she already has mine.
Is it Really Hard to Say Goodbye?
Alas, our time is almost up. She's leaving in 8 hours.
But will it really be hard to say goodbye?
After all, she isn't really leaving.
She's leaving memories of a bliss 10 days and a mark in my heart.
I may not see her again for a couple of months, and maybe the next time I see her she won't be the same. A lot can happen in that time.
The biggest problem I have is dealing with the fact that all eyes are on her.
She has a magnetic personality that makes it hard for guys not to look twice.
I may not be much, and there are a lot of other guys who would be better for her than I will ever be. I'm not the best looking guy. I'm not the richest dude. I'm not the smartest person. And I'm definitely not the only person who can love her.
Nonetheless, the only thing I promise is that I will be the one to love her most - even if she won't be able to give love back. Not yet.
A task lays before me which I must gather up all my strength to tackle it. I am faced by time and distance, two of the most irritating bastards related to love. Is the bond that she and I have developed over the past months of knowing each other and the 10 days of being with each other enough to pass the challenge of time or will it wither away like every single tragic love story in history? I honestly hope that the effort that I have exerted these past days were enough to make an impact in her life. A lasting memory of love.
Last night in one of our conversations, I asked her if I had a chance with her. If I had a chance to share a relationship with her. If I had a chance that in return for loving her, she would love me back. At first she tried to avoid giving me a clear answer, and with my understanding of basic human psychology, failure to affirm a yes or no question 99% of the time means that the answer is no. Any slight hesitation to say yes always means the opposite. So I asked her again. And again. Until she finally said:
"I don't want to rush things! It's so hard! We are far from each other! YES! I'm starting to fall for you but it's too early!"
This made me smile. Inside.
This alone is enough for me to hold on to - something to keep in my mind. Now I know that everything will be worth the wait.
It won't be hard nor will it be painful for me to say goodbye to her, because I realized that each goodbye brings the next hello closer. :)
alanfrancisang
A Status Message from my Facebook account (facebook.com/alanfrancisang)
But will it really be hard to say goodbye?
After all, she isn't really leaving.
She's leaving memories of a bliss 10 days and a mark in my heart.
I may not see her again for a couple of months, and maybe the next time I see her she won't be the same. A lot can happen in that time.
The biggest problem I have is dealing with the fact that all eyes are on her.
She has a magnetic personality that makes it hard for guys not to look twice.
I may not be much, and there are a lot of other guys who would be better for her than I will ever be. I'm not the best looking guy. I'm not the richest dude. I'm not the smartest person. And I'm definitely not the only person who can love her.
Nonetheless, the only thing I promise is that I will be the one to love her most - even if she won't be able to give love back. Not yet.
A task lays before me which I must gather up all my strength to tackle it. I am faced by time and distance, two of the most irritating bastards related to love. Is the bond that she and I have developed over the past months of knowing each other and the 10 days of being with each other enough to pass the challenge of time or will it wither away like every single tragic love story in history? I honestly hope that the effort that I have exerted these past days were enough to make an impact in her life. A lasting memory of love.
Last night in one of our conversations, I asked her if I had a chance with her. If I had a chance to share a relationship with her. If I had a chance that in return for loving her, she would love me back. At first she tried to avoid giving me a clear answer, and with my understanding of basic human psychology, failure to affirm a yes or no question 99% of the time means that the answer is no. Any slight hesitation to say yes always means the opposite. So I asked her again. And again. Until she finally said:
"I don't want to rush things! It's so hard! We are far from each other! YES! I'm starting to fall for you but it's too early!"
This made me smile. Inside.
This alone is enough for me to hold on to - something to keep in my mind. Now I know that everything will be worth the wait.
It won't be hard nor will it be painful for me to say goodbye to her, because I realized that each goodbye brings the next hello closer. :)
alanfrancisang
A Status Message from my Facebook account (facebook.com/alanfrancisang)
Let's take it slow, let's enjoy each time we're together, let's cherish every memory, let's live every moment to the fullest babe. I'll wait for the day when you will say "Take me away"
Sunday, November 21, 2010
A Change of Heart at the Turn of the Clock
Hours ago I have written about the girl whom I so much love yet I have been stricken with a very strong pang of doubt.
I know that she was supposed to have the night out with her friends at a bar, but she never really invited me. Now, as a person of decency, I refuse to attend such gathering without formal invitation and even if I was invited I would not be permitted to anyway since my parents are of Hitler's descent.
I had given up body and soul for her and this is what I get.
I told her that as much as my logical thought point towards the idea of her being a flirt and everything, I would rather believe that nothing was wrong even if it was true that she was with another guy. I would make a fool out of myself, but I'd rather do that than forgetting about her. I could never erase the mark that she has left in my heart.
It's funny how love can make you believe in one thing, then change it, then change it back - all in a matter of a few hours. It's hard to choose what to believe in - all I know is that I love her and nothing is gonna change that.
I know that she was supposed to have the night out with her friends at a bar, but she never really invited me. Now, as a person of decency, I refuse to attend such gathering without formal invitation and even if I was invited I would not be permitted to anyway since my parents are of Hitler's descent.
She left 10 P.M. promptly while I was texting her from my house while surfing the internet. She said that she would not drink much and I trusted her. Naturally, since we could not be together for that night, I would just text her to keep contact but I said to myself that this night is for her and her friends - how vexing it would be if she was together with her friends, at a bar, her friends enjoying the night while she was just sitting down texting me, so I decided not to text her so that she can enjoy her friends' company.
But as the clock turns by the second, my restraint over my missing her diminished and at 1:30A.M. I decided to text her to see if she was having fun.
I was shocked when I recieved a text from her saying that she was really drunk already, so I told her I was gonna go there and see to it that she is safe. I was shocked again when she bluntly responded "NO".
Of course, my instinct would tell me something is up - something not right is going on. Nevertheless, I went to her. I arrived at the bar 2P.M.
The barscene is totally new to me, and I felt like I was a goat in a flock of sheep - I did not belong there. I felt awkward when people stared at me probably thinking "who is this loser showing up at the party?". Shrugging off the feeling, I mustered enough courage to pass the bouncers and enter the bar. After searching and waiting for almost an hour, constantly calling her, I saw her going to the ladies' room. I tried to chase her but she went straight ahead and I had to hurdle the myriads of drunk people before I could get to her. So I tried calling her. She answered.
Probably hearing the loud music in the background of my call she asked me:
"Where are you?"
"You're in the bathroom" I quipped.
"How did you know?"
"Im at the bar. I'm outside and I saw you"
"Wait, wait, wait..." then she hung up.
I waited for her to get out of the bathroom and she did but before I could get to her, she sat next to this guy. Soon after they were playfully shoving each other and laughing.
The guy looked like her friend and probably was but I was not introduced to him yet, I have only seen him on Facebook. I decided to sit at my table a mere 10 feet away from them and wait until either the guy or her left, so that I can talk to her. I took a sip of the cold beer I was holding and texted her that I was in the next table but when I put my cellphone away, she was gone - and so was the guy.
I tried calling her, but try as I may, the only person answering was the voice recording "The subscriber you are calling is currently not available, please try your call later".
Did she turn off her phone?
It was almost 4A.M., I kept on looking for her, but my search was in vain. I called one of the bouncers and handed him a P100 bill and told him to look for a girl in pink, her name is _ _ _ _ _ _ _, and tell her that I was waiting outside. 10 minutes later, the bouncer returned empty handed.
So I waited for the bar to close, and then went home, grabbing a bite on the way.
A lot went on my mind.
*She didn't invite me
*She had too much to drink after promising she would not do so
*After telling her I would go to her, she said "NO"
*Her phone was off right after she and the guy vanished.
As much as I love her, a part of me thought that maybe I just do not know this girl all too well. Maybe I was played.
I had given up body and soul for her and this is what I get.
The only thing you will ever achieve from filling your heart with love is to have it shattered.
I pondered. I could not sleep. It was already 5:50 A.M. Then, my cellphone vibrated. It was her.
[Text Message]Please call!
I replied "Just text me"
"Please, just call"
"Why?"
"Sorry I ran out of battery, and you weren't there. Plus the fact that I was tipsy"(she did mention earlier she had low power)
"No I wasn't there. I just guessed you we're in the bathroom the exact moment you entered" I said sarcastically.
"I looked for you, but I couldn't find you. I thought you we're just joking, that's why I didn't mind you. I'm so sorry!"
"You could have just texted me with one of your friend's cellphones"
"I don't memorize your number, and I was really feeling sick"
"I was 10 feet away from you but you were with some guy so I decided to wait until you parted but I turn away for a second and you're gone."
"What guy? I was with my friends! Shit, I'm feeling so sick. How was I to know if you just guessed where I was? Please call"
I could not bear another text message. As much as my pride resisted to call, I followed my heart and picked up my cellphone and dialed her number.
We talked, she explained everything. She didn't see me that's why she left, thinking I was just kidding. For a brief moment earlier on my way home from the bar I said to myself that I would just forget about her, never text her again, never talk to her and move on, but I could not do that - I love her.
I told her that as much as my logical thought point towards the idea of her being a flirt and everything, I would rather believe that nothing was wrong even if it was true that she was with another guy. I would make a fool out of myself, but I'd rather do that than forgetting about her. I could never erase the mark that she has left in my heart.
After a long conversation full of apologies and tears, I decided to swallow my pride and apologize too for being indifferent. I told her that no matter what, I would always love her.
It's funny how love can make you believe in one thing, then change it, then change it back - all in a matter of a few hours. It's hard to choose what to believe in - all I know is that I love her and nothing is gonna change that.
alanfrancisang
Saturday, November 20, 2010
A One Way Ticket To Love
They say that love comes in many ways, but I never really expected it to be from a one-way ticket from Manila to Bacolod.
And in case you are wondering - it's the same girl in my previous posts. After nagging her to come home, I got her a ticket so that she has to take it. :) I know I forced her to do so, but she kind of wanted to go home anyway so why not?
I take back what I said during my last post - about her playing me and stuff. She is the girl of my dreams and so far her visit to our hometown has proven the fact thus far.
Every day we spent together I fall deeper in love with her and I hope she feels the same way for me, yet I cannot be 100% sure because the only obstacle I have encountered with her is the fact that she has not yet established a familiarity with me that will enable her to be 100% open. I know it is hard to suddenly just open yourself to someone you have just met, which is why I vowed to be patient and wait - I hope that someday I shall reap the harvest of my patience.
She is sweet, funny, and a very congenial person, not to mention pretty, but the characteristic that she has that really has drawn me to her is her very good attitude. She does not drink, does not smoke, she's religious, she's close to her friends and family - the kind of girl that you can take home to your parents.
I have found the one. I hope she did too.
alanfrancisang
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A Cold November
As we all know, realizations never come easy. It's usually associated with pain or at least sorrow.
Life - my life - hasn't always been butterflies and sunshine. A couple of weeks ago I realized that the girl that I had been infatuated with is nothing but a joke. She never seems serious enough to take my emotions into consideration. She would just toy with my feelings by saying that she is here in Bacolod, get me excited, and then tell me she was just kidding.
Oh, and let me quote her status message from last time:
'I am so happy to have my family and YOU'
I'm pretty sure I am not the one she means because she barely talks to me anymore. She used to call me every 5 minutes; now she barely calls me once a week.
Am I that gullible? That girls can just step on my heart and pretend it's okay? Am I that naive? Or am I just willing to go through all the pain for a shot at love?
Thinking about it, it's been a good 3 years since my last relationship. It's a very lonely life without someone to make you smile everyday, without someone to make all the hardships worth it, without someone to make the sacrifices not in vain.
Honestly, I've been meeting other people, getting to know some, but I really do not know where this will take me to. Nonetheless, life is but trial and error, and if you fall down seven times, you must stand up eight.
Ciao, alanfrancisang
Life - my life - hasn't always been butterflies and sunshine. A couple of weeks ago I realized that the girl that I had been infatuated with is nothing but a joke. She never seems serious enough to take my emotions into consideration. She would just toy with my feelings by saying that she is here in Bacolod, get me excited, and then tell me she was just kidding.
Oh, and let me quote her status message from last time:
'I am so happy to have my family and YOU'
I'm pretty sure I am not the one she means because she barely talks to me anymore. She used to call me every 5 minutes; now she barely calls me once a week.
Am I that gullible? That girls can just step on my heart and pretend it's okay? Am I that naive? Or am I just willing to go through all the pain for a shot at love?
Thinking about it, it's been a good 3 years since my last relationship. It's a very lonely life without someone to make you smile everyday, without someone to make all the hardships worth it, without someone to make the sacrifices not in vain.
Honestly, I've been meeting other people, getting to know some, but I really do not know where this will take me to. Nonetheless, life is but trial and error, and if you fall down seven times, you must stand up eight.
Ciao, alanfrancisang
Monday, September 13, 2010
September Tears
To let everyone in on a secret, I've been having this thing with a girl whom we shall call Jessica.
It all started when I received a friend request from a stranger in Facebook - and being the loser that I am, I accepted knowing that a girl adding you as a friend is a rare sight, let alone a pretty one.
So I opened up her page.
Browsed her pics.
Well, to make things short, she was a childhood friend of mine whom I totally forgot. It's something worth noting that she remembered me though.
Maybe because I promised that the dog be shipped to Manila(oh yeah I forgot, she lives in Laguna) on Friday but I wasnt able to get the travel permit on time.
Now, earlier this morning I get this text saying "Keep the puppy"
It all started when I received a friend request from a stranger in Facebook - and being the loser that I am, I accepted knowing that a girl adding you as a friend is a rare sight, let alone a pretty one.
So I opened up her page.
Browsed her pics.
Admired her beauty.
After that, I decided to just leave a friendly "Hi, what's up ;)" comment on her wall.
-then-
She replies:
"Hi Francis! How are you? Do you still remember me?"
Okay, that boggled my mind a lot. Let me break it down to you.
1.) Francis - that's my second name, which used to be the name I used when I was young. Therefore people who call me Francis were people whom I knew from waaaaaaaaay back when.
2.)"Do you still remember me?" - Whaaaat??! I knew this girl????
That was like discovering a cure for cancer for me - a breakthrough :D
I knew someone who was pretty(and whom I had a small crush on before knowing she was actually someone I used to know).
Well, to make things short, she was a childhood friend of mine whom I totally forgot. It's something worth noting that she remembered me though.
And after getting acquainted with each other online, we got the opportunity of getting to know each other again - 12 years from when we last seen each other.
Each day we got to discover each other was one day more that we got closer.
And closer.
AND CLOSER.
AND CLOSER.
and now, here we are.
Not quite lovers;not quite friends.
And I don't know what to do.
What more, I bought her a puppy - a beagle named Bailey.
She was thrilled about the news when I got the puppy last Thursday.
But we got into a quarrel, and didn't talk to each other for 2 days.
Maybe because I promised that the dog be shipped to Manila(oh yeah I forgot, she lives in Laguna) on Friday but I wasnt able to get the travel permit on time.
What's worse is that aside from spending P10,000 on the puppy, it got sick and had to get admitted to the Animal Hospital and is now on his 2nd night there.
Now, earlier this morning I get this text saying "Keep the puppy"
She later reveals that she doesn't want to keep on hoping for something that might not come.
What does she mean?
I need help
My Third Attempt at Suicide
Well, not really... But it's my third attempt to manage my personal blog.
Well ladies and gentlemen, let's proceed shall we?
Welcome to my world :)
Well ladies and gentlemen, let's proceed shall we?
Welcome to my world :)
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