It's a pain to realize that Christmas isn't really merry to everyone.
I deleted my Facebook account earlier, seeing that no one would miss me anyway.
I know that no matter how great my feelings are for her, right now she will never feel the same way for me. I do not call it unfair because it's my fault I fell in love so fast. I do not say it's her fault because she had nothing to do with how I feel.
I am hopeful though that someday I will find love. But for that to happen, I have to find her again.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Piecing the Puzzle
I've known her for more than 6 months now(Since June), and the time has come that I must put all of it to pause.
I've had more than my fair share of problems, fiduciary, scholastic, and relational, and what is unfair is that when my parents talk to me they attribute the root cause of the problem to the fact that I love her.
For you to fully grasp the gist of what I am saying let me explain:
1.) I have financial obligations to some of my clients of my business, the money I already spent. They say that I didn't actually spend the money, rather, I sent it to her.
2.) The reason why I didn't attend the majority of my classes was because I spent the time I was supposed to be inside the classroom with her.
This is unfair. Especially on her part. She had nothing to do about any of the problems I have. To be sincerely honest, the problem was with my addiction to "other" girls.
There was a lapse in time during my knowing her when she didn't talk to me anymore. Refer to this blogpost last November http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/11/cold-november.html
When that happened, I was devastated because the girl I have grown affection to suddenly just disappeared. Although we haven't met yet, I knew that she was special - different from any other girl. So when that happened, I foolishly gave up. Forgot about everything. And moved on. I met different girls.
I dated 8 different girls. All at the same time. Sometimes went out with a whole bunch of girls. I'll be frank, I did enjoy it for all it's worth. But the feeling was temporal. It isn't that feeling I was looking for.
I had lunch dates and dinner dates in one day, sometimes even had the night out. I threw parties left and right at the house when my parents weren't there. The clock turned fast during that time, I had many absences in my classes, and the money I had earned was fast gone - I even spent some of what was not my income.
This led me to become deep in financial problems because of my mismanagement of money. And this problem still trails where I make footsteps now.
When the time came that I got to actually meet her in person(http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/11/one-way-ticket-to-love.html), everything went away. I gave up on dating other girls. She was what I was looking for. What I was longing for.
But cruel as the world may be, though I may have stopped meeting other girls, throwing parties, having nights out and the countless dates, my problems with money were still there.
But my parents just recently found out about all of my problems. And guess what? She was the only one there in the picture.
It's unfair that for the mistakes I've made that she would be pinned as the cause. No. She is not the cause. She is my redemption. She has been giving me advice on what to do with my problems and so far, it has really helped.
My natural response to problems is running away from it. But she told me to stand strong (http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/12/blog-post.html)
Now, my father told me to stop communication with her. He told me that he would call her and tell her as well. But to my surprise he told her a different story.
He told her how much I was in love with her and how maybe she could be the one to set me straight. But I do not really understand whether he means that she must also stop communicating with me or to help me through advice.
She wants to keep her distance. She believes it's better if she was out for the picture for the time being. She reassured me though that she would always be there for me. That we are still friends.
Friends.
That isn't the word I hoped we would be some day.
Nonetheless, I must say goodbye to her - be it for now or forever.
Whatever happens though, I'm really happy that I got to know her. That I fell in love with her.
Scratch that, I'm not happy. I'm happier than happy.
Thank you for everything. I know you are the only one reading this. I really appreciate everything. I love you babe.. Goodbye :'(
I've had more than my fair share of problems, fiduciary, scholastic, and relational, and what is unfair is that when my parents talk to me they attribute the root cause of the problem to the fact that I love her.
For you to fully grasp the gist of what I am saying let me explain:
1.) I have financial obligations to some of my clients of my business, the money I already spent. They say that I didn't actually spend the money, rather, I sent it to her.
2.) The reason why I didn't attend the majority of my classes was because I spent the time I was supposed to be inside the classroom with her.
This is unfair. Especially on her part. She had nothing to do about any of the problems I have. To be sincerely honest, the problem was with my addiction to "other" girls.
There was a lapse in time during my knowing her when she didn't talk to me anymore. Refer to this blogpost last November http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/11/cold-november.html
When that happened, I was devastated because the girl I have grown affection to suddenly just disappeared. Although we haven't met yet, I knew that she was special - different from any other girl. So when that happened, I foolishly gave up. Forgot about everything. And moved on. I met different girls.
I dated 8 different girls. All at the same time. Sometimes went out with a whole bunch of girls. I'll be frank, I did enjoy it for all it's worth. But the feeling was temporal. It isn't that feeling I was looking for.
I had lunch dates and dinner dates in one day, sometimes even had the night out. I threw parties left and right at the house when my parents weren't there. The clock turned fast during that time, I had many absences in my classes, and the money I had earned was fast gone - I even spent some of what was not my income.
This led me to become deep in financial problems because of my mismanagement of money. And this problem still trails where I make footsteps now.
When the time came that I got to actually meet her in person(http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/11/one-way-ticket-to-love.html), everything went away. I gave up on dating other girls. She was what I was looking for. What I was longing for.
But cruel as the world may be, though I may have stopped meeting other girls, throwing parties, having nights out and the countless dates, my problems with money were still there.
But my parents just recently found out about all of my problems. And guess what? She was the only one there in the picture.
It's unfair that for the mistakes I've made that she would be pinned as the cause. No. She is not the cause. She is my redemption. She has been giving me advice on what to do with my problems and so far, it has really helped.
My natural response to problems is running away from it. But she told me to stand strong (http://alanfrancisang.blogspot.com/2010/12/blog-post.html)
Now, my father told me to stop communication with her. He told me that he would call her and tell her as well. But to my surprise he told her a different story.
He told her how much I was in love with her and how maybe she could be the one to set me straight. But I do not really understand whether he means that she must also stop communicating with me or to help me through advice.
She wants to keep her distance. She believes it's better if she was out for the picture for the time being. She reassured me though that she would always be there for me. That we are still friends.
Friends.
That isn't the word I hoped we would be some day.
Nonetheless, I must say goodbye to her - be it for now or forever.
Whatever happens though, I'm really happy that I got to know her. That I fell in love with her.
Scratch that, I'm not happy. I'm happier than happy.
Thank you for everything. I know you are the only one reading this. I really appreciate everything. I love you babe.. Goodbye :'(
Monday, December 13, 2010
Think Less of Your Woes
I have come to the realization that you must not spend too much time worrying about your problems because it hinders you to enjoy the blessings that God gave you. It holds you back to appreciate the things that bring you joy.
I have spent the majority of last week in pain, agony, suffering, and hurt.And in effect I have failed to appreciate many things.
I failed to appreciate the fact that she didn't mind if I was just another flawed person.
She sent me a text message which she got from her sister. It read:
Life is never about proving people that you are a good person. Sometimes, the bad things matter. For in your dark side, you see who are ready to light the road with you. It's not how many your friends are, or how many people roam around you, but it's how few of them accept your being you. For in your nothingness, people TRUE to you find reasons to love you still...
I was touched by this, and even if it is just another text message quote passed around like a prono flier in the mall, I know she meant every single letter in the messag ewith all her heart.
<3
alanfrancisang
I have spent the majority of last week in pain, agony, suffering, and hurt.And in effect I have failed to appreciate many things.
I failed to appreciate the fact that she didn't mind if I was just another flawed person.
She sent me a text message which she got from her sister. It read:
Life is never about proving people that you are a good person. Sometimes, the bad things matter. For in your dark side, you see who are ready to light the road with you. It's not how many your friends are, or how many people roam around you, but it's how few of them accept your being you. For in your nothingness, people TRUE to you find reasons to love you still...
I was touched by this, and even if it is just another text message quote passed around like a prono flier in the mall, I know she meant every single letter in the messag ewith all her heart.
<3
alanfrancisang
Saturday, December 11, 2010
When Things Go Wrong
Has anyone noticed that the second you decide to turn over a new leaf, life screws you up and you end up worse than where you left off?
This is exactly the case with me. I am so fucked up right now, and honestly I do not know what to do. I feel like killing myself, but then again that is against my Christian morals.
I feel like running away. Running away to anywhere, no looking back, leaving all the problems behind.
But just because you ran away from all your problems it doesn't mean you have fixed them. Problem treads on the footsteps of those who flee from them.
I talked to her and she told me to be strong. For her. And for once in my life, I will. I no longer want to be engulfed in the shroud of misery. I want to face the music. Two things give me strength - God, and her.
Maybe I am after all turning a new leaf. Maybe it is about time that all this changed.
This is one of the many reasons why she's the one. This is why I love her.
alanfrancisang
This is exactly the case with me. I am so fucked up right now, and honestly I do not know what to do. I feel like killing myself, but then again that is against my Christian morals.
I feel like running away. Running away to anywhere, no looking back, leaving all the problems behind.
But just because you ran away from all your problems it doesn't mean you have fixed them. Problem treads on the footsteps of those who flee from them.
I talked to her and she told me to be strong. For her. And for once in my life, I will. I no longer want to be engulfed in the shroud of misery. I want to face the music. Two things give me strength - God, and her.
Maybe I am after all turning a new leaf. Maybe it is about time that all this changed.
This is one of the many reasons why she's the one. This is why I love her.
alanfrancisang
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
10 Things I Like About Her
1.) She's pretty
Yep, very very pretty. In fact, the most gorgeous girl I've had the pleasure of knowing. She has really sexy eyes, red lips, fair skin, and just the right physique. Of course, everyone expects me to start with the physical aspects cos I'm a guy, but the reason why I'm saying this first is because she really is pretty...period...
2.) She's simple
Not like the other girls I've mingled with, all of whom are very high-strung. She's down to earth and that's why I like her. All the girls I've been with try too hard to be classy and look good in society but the truth it, I don't care if we don't go to Starbucks, an afternoon at the park on a bench is as good as any other date there is - even better.
3.) She's sweet
And I don't mean just sweet sweet. I mean the way she really playfully banters with me is something I really appreciate. Being serious in a relationship is good, but it's not all about SEX. I'd rather play, cuddle, etc than do the deed.
4.) She's a good girl
She drinks, but rarely(I hope so). She doesn't smoke, she doesn't do drugs, she's not a flirt, she's not a b*tch, she's perfect ;) well, almost. I still wish she didn't drink :D
5.) She has the most gorgeous eyes
Yes, going back to the physical aspects, I'd like to reiterate her eyes. If I looked at her eyes a million times, I'd fall in love a million times as well. Her eyes sparkles with this magic and I can't help but gaze at them. You really have to see it for yourselves.
6.) She sings like a nightingale
The best female voice I've ever heard. The first time I heard her sing, the song was Tattooed on my Mind. I was stunned to hear such sweet music - even if we were just singing at a karaoke. Now I play the song to sleep every night.
7.) She's honest
Even with the personal things I ask her, she really opens up - and I think this is one of the more important things I've come to adore her for. Few are those who are willing to speak the truth, I'm glad she is one of those people.
8.) She isn't in it for the $$$
And I thank God for that. Honestly, all the girls I've been with are G*lddiggers!!!!!! Seriously! I've never had a date with them at the park, or taking a walk at the lagoon, or driving around the outskirts of the city. It's always Starbucks, or some fancy restaurant. I've even dated girls who later asks for money!
9.) She's close with her family
I'm impressed on how close the bond of their family is - I envy them because my family isn't like that. She tells her mom everything, and I mean everything! Heck, she even printed my whole blog and read it to her mom. She's also super close to her older sister and her older brother, also her father.
10.) She's close with God
She volunteers at church every Sunday, tells me to pray ever so often, and always tries to relate things we talk about with lessons from the bible.
I may not be the perfect guy, but I sure am grateful to God that he showed me the perfect girl :)
Yep, very very pretty. In fact, the most gorgeous girl I've had the pleasure of knowing. She has really sexy eyes, red lips, fair skin, and just the right physique. Of course, everyone expects me to start with the physical aspects cos I'm a guy, but the reason why I'm saying this first is because she really is pretty...period...
2.) She's simple
Not like the other girls I've mingled with, all of whom are very high-strung. She's down to earth and that's why I like her. All the girls I've been with try too hard to be classy and look good in society but the truth it, I don't care if we don't go to Starbucks, an afternoon at the park on a bench is as good as any other date there is - even better.
3.) She's sweet
And I don't mean just sweet sweet. I mean the way she really playfully banters with me is something I really appreciate. Being serious in a relationship is good, but it's not all about SEX. I'd rather play, cuddle, etc than do the deed.
4.) She's a good girl
She drinks, but rarely(I hope so). She doesn't smoke, she doesn't do drugs, she's not a flirt, she's not a b*tch, she's perfect ;) well, almost. I still wish she didn't drink :D
5.) She has the most gorgeous eyes
Yes, going back to the physical aspects, I'd like to reiterate her eyes. If I looked at her eyes a million times, I'd fall in love a million times as well. Her eyes sparkles with this magic and I can't help but gaze at them. You really have to see it for yourselves.
6.) She sings like a nightingale
The best female voice I've ever heard. The first time I heard her sing, the song was Tattooed on my Mind. I was stunned to hear such sweet music - even if we were just singing at a karaoke. Now I play the song to sleep every night.
7.) She's honest
Even with the personal things I ask her, she really opens up - and I think this is one of the more important things I've come to adore her for. Few are those who are willing to speak the truth, I'm glad she is one of those people.
8.) She isn't in it for the $$$
And I thank God for that. Honestly, all the girls I've been with are G*lddiggers!!!!!! Seriously! I've never had a date with them at the park, or taking a walk at the lagoon, or driving around the outskirts of the city. It's always Starbucks, or some fancy restaurant. I've even dated girls who later asks for money!
9.) She's close with her family
I'm impressed on how close the bond of their family is - I envy them because my family isn't like that. She tells her mom everything, and I mean everything! Heck, she even printed my whole blog and read it to her mom. She's also super close to her older sister and her older brother, also her father.
10.) She's close with God
She volunteers at church every Sunday, tells me to pray ever so often, and always tries to relate things we talk about with lessons from the bible.
I may not be the perfect guy, but I sure am grateful to God that he showed me the perfect girl :)
Monday, December 6, 2010
Petulant
Yes, I am petulant. Over some things which I cannot explain.
I know I'm not the best, in fact im far from it. And she has a zillion choices. Would she really settle for someone just like me? As much as I would like to think each day she is getting closer to becoming mine, I still fear that maybe I'm just living in a dream in which I have conceptualized as reality.
There are things in which time can only answer so here I am - waiting. Even if it means my hair graying and my skin wrinkling, time is now all I have and all I can do now is wait.
I know I'm not the best, in fact im far from it. And she has a zillion choices. Would she really settle for someone just like me? As much as I would like to think each day she is getting closer to becoming mine, I still fear that maybe I'm just living in a dream in which I have conceptualized as reality.
There are things in which time can only answer so here I am - waiting. Even if it means my hair graying and my skin wrinkling, time is now all I have and all I can do now is wait.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Lazy Sunday
Hi guys, once again I terribly am sorry for not being able to post, I've been busy with school work lately.
Okay, first things first, I'm cool with my parents now, they have seemed to cooled off now. If things keep up, I might be able to get everything back in no time at all.
Anyway, I'd like to take this time to write about how I feel now.
I MISS HER
I do. Every single second she isn't here with me. I have seemed to have developed a liking to her very "kulit"(playfully nagging) personality.
Honestly though, I am still somewhat unsure about her really considering me as a lover - it is more plausible to think that she is just toying with me. I mean, here I am, ugly, fat, and she's very pretty, sexy, and gorgeous.
I actually am trying to do what I can, waking up to jog at 5am, going to the gym, dieting, I'll see what I can do with the determination I have now to fight for worth in her eyes.
I will do anything and everything for her to actually see me as someone worthy of her love.
Okay, first things first, I'm cool with my parents now, they have seemed to cooled off now. If things keep up, I might be able to get everything back in no time at all.
Anyway, I'd like to take this time to write about how I feel now.
I MISS HER
I do. Every single second she isn't here with me. I have seemed to have developed a liking to her very "kulit"(playfully nagging) personality.
Honestly though, I am still somewhat unsure about her really considering me as a lover - it is more plausible to think that she is just toying with me. I mean, here I am, ugly, fat, and she's very pretty, sexy, and gorgeous.
I actually am trying to do what I can, waking up to jog at 5am, going to the gym, dieting, I'll see what I can do with the determination I have now to fight for worth in her eyes.
I will do anything and everything for her to actually see me as someone worthy of her love.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Apologies for the Lapse
Hey guys, I'm sorry that I haven't posted for quite some time now. It's not that I've forgotten, but there have been some really big issues that came up.
REALLY BIG ISSUES.
Anyway, I'll talk about those issues maybe later or tomorrow, as my time is limited right now. I don't have "internet privileges" at home right now, so I'm using internet at internet cafes.
Moving on, I'd like to discuss a plan I have for this coming Christmas Break. I'm not entirely sure if she is coming back home for the holidays, but nonetheless, it pays off to plan.
The last time we had a road trip, we went to Silay to Purok Balaring, had a nice lunch there and enjoyed the breezy noontime in the ocean side. After which, we went to the Mangrove Forest in Silay. The place is simply magical, I do recommend it to everyone who hasn't gone there yet. It was the essence of nature itself in the form of a tourist attraction. I gazed at her as the scattered sunlight dispersed by the thick foliage illuminated her gorgeous face and I was simply in love that moment. After a long trek at the forest, we decided to end the day at The Ruins in Talisay.
That day was simply one of the best I had in my life and I spent it with her, along with other friends.
Now, for the next trip that I'm planning, I've decided to go to the Negros mountainside. Mambukal in the morning, hike and swimming then after that, lunch and chill the afternoon away, then go up to Don Salvador Benedicto, watching the sunset at the majestic Negros mountainside. Then when the night fades in, we will set up a bonfire and barbeque our dinner, as we listen to the gentle river plowing through the earth while the myriads of fireflies illuminate the foot of the mountain.
Sounds like a nice plan but it won't be as good as it sounds without her. To all her friends who would read this, please convince her! I need her here with me...
alanfrancisang
REALLY BIG ISSUES.
Anyway, I'll talk about those issues maybe later or tomorrow, as my time is limited right now. I don't have "internet privileges" at home right now, so I'm using internet at internet cafes.
Moving on, I'd like to discuss a plan I have for this coming Christmas Break. I'm not entirely sure if she is coming back home for the holidays, but nonetheless, it pays off to plan.
The last time we had a road trip, we went to Silay to Purok Balaring, had a nice lunch there and enjoyed the breezy noontime in the ocean side. After which, we went to the Mangrove Forest in Silay. The place is simply magical, I do recommend it to everyone who hasn't gone there yet. It was the essence of nature itself in the form of a tourist attraction. I gazed at her as the scattered sunlight dispersed by the thick foliage illuminated her gorgeous face and I was simply in love that moment. After a long trek at the forest, we decided to end the day at The Ruins in Talisay.
That day was simply one of the best I had in my life and I spent it with her, along with other friends.
Now, for the next trip that I'm planning, I've decided to go to the Negros mountainside. Mambukal in the morning, hike and swimming then after that, lunch and chill the afternoon away, then go up to Don Salvador Benedicto, watching the sunset at the majestic Negros mountainside. Then when the night fades in, we will set up a bonfire and barbeque our dinner, as we listen to the gentle river plowing through the earth while the myriads of fireflies illuminate the foot of the mountain.
Sounds like a nice plan but it won't be as good as it sounds without her. To all her friends who would read this, please convince her! I need her here with me...
alanfrancisang
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