Enough About Her, Here's a Post About Me

Alone time gives you time to think... ponder... reflect - on the important things in your life.

This morning was one of those moments.

I was nobody. I didn't have friends. I didn't have a girl. I was busy with school and I had work. Life to me was a burden at best, and a nightmare for the most part.

Until she came.

Now, I won't elaborate on the things that happened because I have already written it here on my previous posts, but let me tell you, ever since I have felt that maybe all those years of waiting for the right one is over.

I have now felt the things I haven't felt for such a long time - love, joy, and content.

I now can say that I am truly happy with my life, and as far as this goes, I wish this feeling will never fade.

Lost In Her Eyes

Finally, after 1 whole day of delay, she made it safely to Bacolod - again. What's fun is that her aunt, the wife of her mom's brother, is my mom's secretary/friend/fellow LION. And they see each other almost every day. They took the same flight home, and can you imagine the panic that ensued from the hype? If her aunt found out, it would definitely reach my mom. And I don't want that to happen. Anyway, what we did was the second she got out of the plane, she would rush to the departure area and not the arrival area where I was waiting for her, engines ready for our grand escape - hahaha :D

I never thought that you can literally get "lost in her eyes" until earlier this evening when I picked "Jessica" up from the airport. While we driving back to Bacolod, there was a second where her eyes locked with mine. That second I thought to myself, I am looking at the most gorgeous girl I have had the pleasure of knowing, but fate being a bitch played a trick on me - I almost crashed into the car right in front of me(at 80kph). Luckily, I was able to brake in time, just inches from bumper to bumper.

That single moment I had with her in the car when I gazed upon her beauty was something I will surely cherish from this day forward. That moment was the moment I fixed my eyes upon God's most beautiful angel.

alanfrancisang

Boundaries

In every relationship, the doors of certain things only open in due time, such as when it's okay to hold her hand, or when it's okay to kiss, et cetera.


Rushing things can only mean that everything will eventually blow over. A relationship is like a building - it must have a strong foundation to endure the hardships and trials that time brings, because if it does not everything will just come crashing down sooner or later.



Worthy is the man who can respect the boundaries of a relationship. I too plan to become such man.

alanfrancisang

P.S.
In case you guys are wondering why I always write in this manner, let me just say that at the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. :) <3

Some Things I'd Like to Talk About

It has been exactly 28.2 hours since she left. That is 1692 minutes. Or 101520 seconds. Yet it feels like I've been missing her for years. At first I tried to drink the feeling away but it still remains despite the fact that 6 bottles in an hour wasn't a pretty thing. Then I thought - she can just visit here any time. So I made sure she did. We planned that she would come back on Friday(originally Wednesday but her older sister didn't permit me on such early date considering that she still has class). This instilled a sense of calm in my mind.

My joy is beyond measure, knowing that in a few days she will be back in my arms. We decided that this time, we would not waste time anymore whenever we are together. During her last visit, we would always not know where to go hence wasting the little time we have together.

One big issue I'd like to bring up is the fact that she might move back here to Bacolod. Although it made me happy hearing this, it also makes me sad knowing that the reason behind this dilemma is quite the tragic tale of which I can relate with. This made me daydream for a second though - seeing her dressed in a La Sallian uniform slowly walking down the hall in La Salle, her hair blowing back as she meets me at the end. But as good of a thought as it is, I know that this is highly improbable.

Where ever she may be, it really doesn't matter. All I know that a part of her will always be with me.

Several Uncertainties

I am amidst a very hard obstacle to tackle - the fact that she does not want anyone to know about us. True she is not my girlfriend and I am not her boyfriend, but that is because she does not want to rush things yet. But she does have feelings for me.

But the bigger question is

"Why doesn't she want her friends to know that something is going on between us both?"

Why does she want to keep it a secret anyway? Some reasons are okay, but some are destructive and I probably consider not going any further because I will only end up getting hurt. For example:

Good Reason:

-She plans to tell everyone as soon as we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend

Bad Reasons:

-She doesn't think her friends will think I'm worthy

-She's embarrassed to be seen with me

-She secretly wants to get back with her ex and doesn't wanna blow her chances

-I'm not the only guy

One more thing that I have encountered with her is that she never gives me straight answers at questions concerning the possibilities of a relationship with her. Is it really fair that she's keeping secrets from me? As far as I'm concerned, girls like that shouldn't be trusted with your heart. Too bad she already has mine.

Is it Really Hard to Say Goodbye?

Alas, our time is almost up. She's leaving in 8 hours.

But will it really be hard to say goodbye?

After all, she isn't really leaving.

She's leaving memories of a bliss 10 days and a mark in my heart.

I may not see her again for a couple of months, and maybe the next time I see her she won't be the same. A lot can happen in that time.

The biggest problem I have is dealing with the fact that all eyes are on her.

She has a magnetic personality that makes it hard for guys not to look twice.

I may not be much, and there are a lot of other guys who would be better for her than I will ever be. I'm not the best looking guy. I'm not the richest dude. I'm not the smartest person. And I'm definitely not the only person who can love her.

Nonetheless, the only thing I promise is that I will be the one to love her most - even if she won't be able to give love back. Not yet.

A task lays before me which I must gather up all my strength to tackle it. I am faced by time and distance, two of the most irritating bastards related to love. Is the bond that she and I have developed over the past months of knowing each other and the 10 days of being with each other enough to pass the challenge of time or will it wither away like every single tragic love story in history? I honestly hope that the effort that I have exerted these past days were enough to make an impact in her life. A lasting memory of love.

Last night in one of our conversations, I asked her if I had a chance with her. If I had a chance to share a relationship with her. If I had a chance that in return for loving her, she would love me back. At first she tried to avoid giving me a clear answer, and with my understanding of basic human psychology, failure to affirm a yes or no question 99% of the time means that the answer is no. Any slight hesitation to say yes always means the opposite. So I asked her again. And again. Until she finally said:

"I don't want to rush things! It's so hard! We are far from each other! YES! I'm starting to fall for you but it's too early!"

This made me smile. Inside.

This alone is enough for me to hold on to - something to keep in my mind. Now I know that everything will be worth the wait.

It won't be hard nor will it be painful for me to say goodbye to her, because I realized that each goodbye brings the next hello closer. :)

alanfrancisang

A Status Message from my Facebook account (facebook.com/alanfrancisang)

Let's take it slow, let's enjoy each time we're together, let's cherish every memory, let's live every moment to the fullest babe. I'll wait for the day when you will say "Take me away"

A Change of Heart at the Turn of the Clock

Hours ago I have written about the girl whom I so much love yet I have been stricken with a very strong pang of doubt.

I know that she was supposed to have the night out with her friends at a bar, but she never really invited me. Now, as a person of decency, I refuse to attend such gathering without formal invitation and even if I was invited I would not be permitted to anyway since my parents are of Hitler's descent.

She left 10 P.M. promptly while I was texting her from my house while surfing the internet. She said that she would not drink much and I trusted her. Naturally, since we could not be together for that night, I would just text her to keep contact but I said to myself that this night is for her and her friends - how vexing it would be if she was together with her friends, at a bar, her friends enjoying the night while she was just sitting down texting me, so I decided not to text her so that she can enjoy her friends' company.

But as the clock turns by the second, my restraint over my missing her diminished and at 1:30A.M. I decided to text her to see if she was having fun.

I was shocked when I recieved a text from her saying that she was really drunk already, so I told her I was gonna go there and see to it that she is safe. I was shocked again when she bluntly responded "NO".

Of course, my instinct would tell me something is up - something not right is going on. Nevertheless, I went to her. I arrived at the bar 2P.M.

The barscene is totally new to me, and I felt like I was a goat in a flock of sheep - I did not belong there. I felt awkward when people stared at me probably thinking "who is this loser showing up at the party?". Shrugging off the feeling, I mustered enough courage to pass the bouncers and enter the bar. After searching and waiting for almost an hour, constantly calling her, I saw her going to the ladies' room. I tried to chase her but she went straight ahead and I had to hurdle the myriads of drunk people before I could get to her. So I tried calling her. She answered.

Probably hearing the loud music in the background of my call she asked me:

"Where are you?"

"You're in the bathroom" I quipped.

"How did you know?"

"Im at the bar. I'm outside and I saw you"

"Wait, wait, wait..." then she hung up.

I waited for her to get out of the bathroom and she did but before I could get to her, she sat next to this guy. Soon after they were playfully shoving each other and laughing.

The guy looked like her friend and probably was but I was not introduced to him yet, I have only seen him on Facebook. I decided to sit at my table a mere 10 feet away from them and wait until either the guy or her left, so that I can talk to her. I took a sip of the cold beer I was holding and texted her that I was in the next table but when I put my cellphone away, she was gone - and so was the guy.

I tried calling her, but try as I may, the only person answering was the voice recording "The subscriber you are calling is currently not available, please try your call later".

Did she turn off her phone?

It was almost 4A.M., I kept on looking for her, but my search was in vain. I called one of the bouncers and handed him a P100 bill and told him to look for a girl in pink, her name is _ _ _ _   _ _ _, and tell her that I was waiting outside. 10 minutes later, the bouncer returned empty handed.

So I waited for the bar to close, and then went home, grabbing a bite on the way.

A lot went on my mind.

*She didn't invite me

*She had too much to drink after promising she would not do so

*After telling her I would go to her, she said "NO"

*Her phone was off right after she and the guy vanished.

As much as I love her, a part of me thought that maybe I just do not know this girl all too well. Maybe I was played.

I had given up body and soul for her and this is what I get. 

The only thing you will ever achieve from filling your heart with love is to have it shattered.

I pondered. I could not sleep. It was already 5:50 A.M. Then, my cellphone vibrated. It was her.

[Text Message]Please call!

I replied "Just text me"

"Please, just call"

"Why?"

"Sorry I ran out of battery, and you weren't there. Plus the fact that I was tipsy"(she did mention earlier she had low power)

"No I wasn't there. I just guessed you we're in the bathroom the exact moment you entered" I said sarcastically.

"I looked for you, but I couldn't find you. I thought you we're just joking, that's why I didn't mind you. I'm so sorry!"

"You could have just texted me with one of your friend's cellphones"

"I don't memorize your number, and I was really feeling sick"

"I was 10 feet away from you but you were with some guy so I decided to wait until you parted but I turn away for a second and you're gone."

"What guy? I was with my friends! Shit, I'm feeling so sick. How was I to know if you just guessed where I was? Please call"

I could not bear another text message. As much as my pride resisted to call, I followed my heart and picked up my cellphone and dialed her number.

We talked, she explained everything. She didn't see me that's why she left, thinking I was just kidding. For a brief moment earlier on my way home from the bar I said to myself that I would just forget about her, never text her again, never talk to her and move on, but I could not do that - I love her.

I told her that as much as my logical thought point towards the idea of her being a flirt and everything, I would rather believe that nothing was wrong even if it was true that she was with another guy. I would make a fool out of myself, but I'd rather do that than forgetting about her. I could never erase the mark that she has left in my heart.

After a long conversation full of apologies and tears, I decided to swallow my pride and apologize too for being indifferent. I told her that no matter what, I would always love her.

It's funny how love can make you believe in one thing, then change it, then change it back - all in a matter of a few hours. It's hard to choose what to believe in - all I know is that I love her and nothing is gonna change that.

alanfrancisang

A One Way Ticket To Love

They say that love comes in many ways, but I never really expected it to be from a one-way ticket from Manila to Bacolod.

And in case you are wondering - it's the same girl in my previous posts. After nagging her to come home, I got her a ticket so that she has to take it. :) I know I forced her to do so, but she kind of wanted to go home anyway so why not?

I take back what I said during my last post - about her playing me and stuff. She is the girl of my dreams and so far her visit to our hometown has proven the fact thus far.

Every day we spent together I fall deeper in love with her and I hope she feels the same way for me, yet I cannot be 100% sure because the only obstacle I have encountered with her is the fact that she has not yet established a familiarity with me that will enable her to be 100% open. I know it is hard to suddenly just open yourself to someone you have just met, which is why I vowed to be patient and wait - I hope that someday I shall reap the harvest of my patience.

She is sweet, funny, and a very congenial person, not to mention pretty, but the characteristic that she has that really has drawn me to her is her very good attitude. She does not drink, does not smoke, she's religious, she's close to her friends and family - the kind of girl that you can take home to your parents.

I have found the one. I hope she did too.

alanfrancisang

A Cold November

As we all know, realizations never come easy. It's usually associated with pain or at least sorrow.

Life - my life - hasn't always been butterflies and sunshine. A couple of weeks ago I realized that the girl that I had been infatuated with is nothing but a joke. She never seems serious enough to take my emotions into consideration. She would just toy with my feelings by saying that she is here in Bacolod, get me excited, and then tell me she was just kidding.

Oh, and let me quote her status message from last time:
'I am so happy to have my family and YOU'

I'm pretty sure I am not the one she means because she barely talks to me anymore. She used to call me every 5 minutes; now she barely calls me once a week.

Am I that gullible? That girls can just step on my heart and pretend it's okay? Am I that naive? Or am I just willing to go through all the pain for a shot at love?

Thinking about it, it's been a good 3 years since my last relationship. It's a very lonely life without someone to make you smile everyday, without someone to make all the hardships worth it, without someone to make the sacrifices not in vain.

Honestly, I've been meeting other people, getting to know some, but I really do not know where this will take me to. Nonetheless, life is but trial and error, and if you fall down seven times, you must stand up eight.

Ciao, alanfrancisang