I know I haven't written for a long time now, and honestly that is because I lost the will to. I get a text message from her last Tuesday, saying "goodluck francis, always pray and godbless". I'm not naive not to get the gist of what she is trying to imply, so I move on.
And last Thursday, I was able to talk to my friend, Gaston and his wife, Alexis. Apparently, Alexis' father used to have Jessica's sister as his Dance Instructor. Alexis told me that before, Jessica's sister always used to complain how wild Jessica is - contrary to what she has told and shown.
Somehow, it all seems to make sense now. She never liked me... never did. I do appreciate her effort on being kind enough not to be so frank about it, but I would have preferred her to be straightforward. Nothing wrong with her telling me she doesn't like me or that I'm not her type, it would have saved me a lot of time. Nevertheless, love is trial and error.
I haven't talked to her since. Maybe it's for the better
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Confused
Must this go on? Every time I take something seriously she tells me it's a joke. I know she said what she said yesterday because she was mad, but couldn't she have taken into account what repercussions it may have on my feelings? Then again, I don't expect her to care much about myself.
so confused,
alanfrancisang
so confused,
alanfrancisang
Saturday, February 12, 2011
This Blog is now a Personal Journal
No more about that fictional "Jessica" since she broke all ties with me now. No big deal. I'm not mad, or angry, or upset, just disappointed. Oh well, the sooner we move on, the better.
I will admit that I have always expected this to happen but then again, I disregarded it as something that was only in my head - I trusted my heart. And the moment you trust your heart over your head, that's when you get heartbroken.
I am foolish to believe in something that wasn't there in the first place, and it is all my fault so I won't point fingers or anything. I have no right. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move on. That's what life is all about. It's not about getting what you want or winning, it's about experience. And this is another one that I am going to live with.
alanfrancisang
I will admit that I have always expected this to happen but then again, I disregarded it as something that was only in my head - I trusted my heart. And the moment you trust your heart over your head, that's when you get heartbroken.
I am foolish to believe in something that wasn't there in the first place, and it is all my fault so I won't point fingers or anything. I have no right. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move on. That's what life is all about. It's not about getting what you want or winning, it's about experience. And this is another one that I am going to live with.
alanfrancisang
The Problem with Remote Communication
The only real way of communicating with someone who is out of physical reach is through cyber communication(SMS, e-mail, Facebook, etc), with the exclusion of snail-mail, but who uses the post office nowadays anyway?
It makes it easier for us since we can communicate with anyone where ever he or she is in the world, granted they have a stable link(cellular signal or internet). But the problem is that in these kinds of communication, you want to keep it brief, especially with SMS since you have a 160-character limit with each message. This often leads to misunderstanding since the lack of physical expression usually makes statements such as "I have something to tell you" kind of a premonition of something negative to be said even if you mean it with every positive intention.
Suffice to say, Jessica and I communicate via SMS a lot, but she often takes things the wrong way. Earlier, I asked her a hypothetical question: "Would you listen to a friend's advice even if it meant something negative to another friend?" I was surprised at her understanding that someone doesn't want her for me. I was merely engaging in a meaningful conversation with an intelligent subject, but she took it the wrong way. Also, I noticed that some of the messages in my inbox were already read even if I haven't seen it yet. So I asked the people who know my password to my account if they opened my Facebook account. Again, she thought that I suspected her of going through my stuff, even if all I wanted to know if that she was the one who read it because my main suspect is that I probably left my Facebook account signed in in some internet cafe.
This is one of the obstacles of distance. Some bitch it is, isn't it? Then again, we must try to overcome these trials since at the end of the day, any reward gained from a victory over our daily trials will be sweetly celebrated.
So with that said, I leave you guys to ponder over your lives and your own problems, and how you should try to deal with it in a positive disposition.
alanfrancisang
It makes it easier for us since we can communicate with anyone where ever he or she is in the world, granted they have a stable link(cellular signal or internet). But the problem is that in these kinds of communication, you want to keep it brief, especially with SMS since you have a 160-character limit with each message. This often leads to misunderstanding since the lack of physical expression usually makes statements such as "I have something to tell you" kind of a premonition of something negative to be said even if you mean it with every positive intention.
Suffice to say, Jessica and I communicate via SMS a lot, but she often takes things the wrong way. Earlier, I asked her a hypothetical question: "Would you listen to a friend's advice even if it meant something negative to another friend?" I was surprised at her understanding that someone doesn't want her for me. I was merely engaging in a meaningful conversation with an intelligent subject, but she took it the wrong way. Also, I noticed that some of the messages in my inbox were already read even if I haven't seen it yet. So I asked the people who know my password to my account if they opened my Facebook account. Again, she thought that I suspected her of going through my stuff, even if all I wanted to know if that she was the one who read it because my main suspect is that I probably left my Facebook account signed in in some internet cafe.
This is one of the obstacles of distance. Some bitch it is, isn't it? Then again, we must try to overcome these trials since at the end of the day, any reward gained from a victory over our daily trials will be sweetly celebrated.
So with that said, I leave you guys to ponder over your lives and your own problems, and how you should try to deal with it in a positive disposition.
alanfrancisang
Love Unrequited
Symptoms of Lovesickness
One Broken Heart
Too Many Unwiped Tears
That E m p t y Feeling
Pain. Lots and lots and lots and lots of pain. So deep it cuts into your very being. Leaving scars that will last long after the pain.
When more time is spent on the person you love than you would ever spend on yourself. Even if they would never give you the same sacrifice, and couldn't care less what your time is spent on.
No matter what you will always believe there is hope. And you despise yourself for it.
When your Heart has been ripped out, and ignored, yet still can't let go.
When you would do anything for your love... Even if it means that you can't love them.
When you try to find new ways to hate them. Becuase then at least it wouldn't hurt so much.
When everything is out of your control.
When you can't say why you love them, and to you that's the strongest love anyone can ever have.
When you realize that you can never, ever have her...
When you have finally hit the lowest low. And no one can bring you up, and anyone who can will never be there.
When you care so much about the person you forget about everything else completely, even your health and wellbeing.
When you sit and write something like this crying to yourself, and wondering why you are so pathetic.
When you can't sleep at night becuase when you close your eyes, they are standing there to remind you that you are alone.
When you feel all these feelings, but are too afraid to tell them, because you're scared they might not care. And the truth is they probably won't.
When you feel their presence everywhere. But you don't want to because it's just another reminder of how far away they really are.
When the pain is so great, you feel that giving up altogether is the only choice, when really you have so much to live for.
When they have told you that they don't love you. And you would do anything to say those same words...and mean it.
But the only words that you can say are:
I love you, and no matter what happens I will still love you and I still think of you all the time. I know it means nothing to you, but you mean everything to me.
Please if anyone ever falls in love with you and feels this strongly. Don't shrug it off like it is nothing, I'm not asking you to love them back, I'm just asking you to care.
And if anyone ever falls in love with someone this strongly and they don't love you the same way, hold on to every last bit of sanity you have. Don't let it completely ruin who you are. You are a wonderful person and can pull through. You will have some very rough times. But, it will get better...
It is better to have shown love, than to have never loved at all.
until next time,
alanfrancisang
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Maybe, Just Maybe
Before I write anything, I'd like to thanks the girls from CSA-B who have been reading my blog. I really appreciate it.
I have been thinking a lot recently about what action to take and what direction to head to with my circumstance right now. I'm confused as to what to believe in since I am void of any of her feelings because of the distance. :|
A few days ago, I asked her:
"If I were to court you, that must mean that I must be ready for competition right?"
This was because she told me what happened to her a few nights ago. Her friends and she went to a comedy bar sort of thing in Alabang. I forgot why, but for some reason she was called up on stage to sing, and she did. Apparently, she mezmerized the crowd with her voice - as what I've said, the best I've listened to. After that, some guy approached her and asked if he can add her up on Facebook. She gave him a fake name hahaha. I won't go into detail with this story since it is quite a lengthy one, but to make a long story short, this guy stirred up a commotion at the bar which led Jessica and her friends to go to Starbucks instead.
Now back to what I asked her - she told me that there is no competition, that there are no suitors or anything like that. Unbelievable, I thought. Everytime she stepped out of the comfort of her house, some guy always manages to try to either hit on her, ask for her name, number or whatnot.
I told her that if what she is saying is true, that if there are no suitors, I know why. I texted her:
"Maybe that person doesn't wanna court you just yet because he still is unsure of how you feel towards him, and is afraid of getting turned down. Maybe because he just can't see that you really do have feelings for him because of the distance. Maybe because you and him have a friendship that he treasures, and if he courted too early or at the wrong time, it would make your friendship with each other awkward - he wants to wait for the right time. Maybe because he'd rather just have you as his friend than risk losing that friendship you have with him , even if he already has fallen so hard in love with you because all he really wants is to keep you close. Maybe because he knows that you still have feelings for your ex, and even if what is done is done, he still is considerate enough to take into account your feelings because he knows you are still in a fragile and delicate state. Maybe because he just wants to wait for the time that you would open your heart to him , that he would see that you also do have feelings for him and that you've also fallen for him too. Maybe because he feels that he has to prove himself to you to show you that he is worthy, and for the sake that you would also see that he truly loves you with all his heart. Maybe because he wants you to be truly happy, as lovers or friends, either way, because deep inside, it's your smile that inspires his. Maybe, just maybe."
She liked what I texted her, and I feel that that was the only way I could tell her how I feel since I was never really good at expressing my emotions, especially if I am unsure of how the person I am sharing to will take it. Nonetheless, what I told her was entirely true, and so lies a great task ahead of me - to show her that I really meant it.
Ciao you guys,
alanfrancisang
I have been thinking a lot recently about what action to take and what direction to head to with my circumstance right now. I'm confused as to what to believe in since I am void of any of her feelings because of the distance. :|
A few days ago, I asked her:
"If I were to court you, that must mean that I must be ready for competition right?"
This was because she told me what happened to her a few nights ago. Her friends and she went to a comedy bar sort of thing in Alabang. I forgot why, but for some reason she was called up on stage to sing, and she did. Apparently, she mezmerized the crowd with her voice - as what I've said, the best I've listened to. After that, some guy approached her and asked if he can add her up on Facebook. She gave him a fake name hahaha. I won't go into detail with this story since it is quite a lengthy one, but to make a long story short, this guy stirred up a commotion at the bar which led Jessica and her friends to go to Starbucks instead.
Now back to what I asked her - she told me that there is no competition, that there are no suitors or anything like that. Unbelievable, I thought. Everytime she stepped out of the comfort of her house, some guy always manages to try to either hit on her, ask for her name, number or whatnot.
I told her that if what she is saying is true, that if there are no suitors, I know why. I texted her:
"Maybe that person doesn't wanna court you just yet because he still is unsure of how you feel towards him, and is afraid of getting turned down. Maybe because he just can't see that you really do have feelings for him because of the distance. Maybe because you and him have a friendship that he treasures, and if he courted too early or at the wrong time, it would make your friendship with each other awkward - he wants to wait for the right time. Maybe because he'd rather just have you as his friend than risk losing that friendship you have with him , even if he already has fallen so hard in love with you because all he really wants is to keep you close. Maybe because he knows that you still have feelings for your ex, and even if what is done is done, he still is considerate enough to take into account your feelings because he knows you are still in a fragile and delicate state. Maybe because he just wants to wait for the time that you would open your heart to him , that he would see that you also do have feelings for him and that you've also fallen for him too. Maybe because he feels that he has to prove himself to you to show you that he is worthy, and for the sake that you would also see that he truly loves you with all his heart. Maybe because he wants you to be truly happy, as lovers or friends, either way, because deep inside, it's your smile that inspires his. Maybe, just maybe."
She liked what I texted her, and I feel that that was the only way I could tell her how I feel since I was never really good at expressing my emotions, especially if I am unsure of how the person I am sharing to will take it. Nonetheless, what I told her was entirely true, and so lies a great task ahead of me - to show her that I really meant it.
Ciao you guys,
alanfrancisang
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Back for Good
I'd like to talk about certain things before I kick off with my blog once again.
Sometimes in life, we stumble down and fall. You can't always expect it to be always the way you want it. Life isn't about winning - it's about experience. It doesn't matter if you fall 10 times, what's important is that you stand up 11.
Okay, back on topic.
I haven't written for more than a month now since I decided last Christmas to abandon this blog since I saw that there was no use for it anymore.
For the past month, Jessica was busy with this pageant she joined in Binan, Laguna. We weren't able to communicate much since she had a really hectic schedule. Not that it's a big deal, but I'll be honest enough to admit that it really made me miss her a lot. We never had a meaningful conversation because everytime we were able to talk or SMS it was either just a "hi" or a "good night".
She didn't make the top of the pageant, even if she was clearly one of the quality candidates, no bias in my opinion. But then again, a lot were taller than her and apparently that was a factor. And the one who won the pageant was the daughter of a city employee, who also was the niece of the mayor. So no question there, it was the connections that boosted her. No point in arguing who should win, what's done is done. A trophy can always be won, but experience is hard to come by.
Yesterday, while I was surfing the net and playing a game of DotA, she texted me to call her. I wasn't really expecting her to tell me anything maybe she just wanted to say hello, so I called her. When she answered my call, she was crying.
Her ex boyfriend called her. He wanted to get back with her, to give him another chance. Now, for the sake of protecting the identity of Jessica's ex boyfriend, I will not say what went wrong with their relationship. He told her that ever since they broke up, he realized that he did not just lose her, he lost a friend, he lost a sister, he lost the love of his life. He won't be able to bear seeing her in another guy's arms.
Suffice to say, he hasn't totally moved on. But so did Jessica. She admitted that she still has feelings for him, but she wouldn't give him another chance because of the familiar pain that she might feel again. She told me that she was so hurt when they broke up that now, even if she is about to fall for someone else, she has to contain her feelings because of her fear of getting hurt again. She told me that a broken glass can always be fixed, but you will always see the cracks. She asked me what I thought about the matter, and even if I really wanted to speak my mind, I denied my own opinion for the sake of not having a bias in the advice I would give her.
"A glass can always be fixed, but you can always see the cracks - but then again, if you were to melt the glass and make a new one, that's another story"
I told her that he made a mistake. Maybe even more than once. But who knows, people do change. Even if they are prone to repeat mistakes, some people sincerely change for the better. With this in mind, he too could have also changed. Maybe this time, it would be forever. I know I don't have the right to influence her decision, as long as she is happy I'd be happy as well. Her smile is what inspires mine.
"Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you missed" - a lesson to those who take things, people, and opportunities for granted.
I could really tell that she was really in love with him, and maybe even still is. Honestly, I don't know what to feel. I mean, I'm kind of caught in the middle. I am her friend, and I wanna help her. I want to help her decide on what to do without any bias, yet let's be honest, I'm in love with her. I'm trying not to be jealous, but I don't know - do I have the right to be jealous?
I'm still trying to sort things out for myself. I want to know the things that I should really pursue - the things that I want to be part of my future, the people I wanna have in my life, and the things that I must leave behind. Am I wasting my time? My effort? My affection? It's been 3 years since my last relationship, but I don't care how long I have to wait. But I wanna know if I really am waiting for something. I need a sign! But is it selfish to ask for one? I know I must be patient, but patience over something that yields nothing is but a waste of your time. Nevertheless, I'll trudge on believing what I want. I know that I will have my day, that I will have that moment with her.
I'll see to it she will never talk to anyone about how I broke her heart, but talk about how I am part of it.
Sometimes in life, we stumble down and fall. You can't always expect it to be always the way you want it. Life isn't about winning - it's about experience. It doesn't matter if you fall 10 times, what's important is that you stand up 11.
Okay, back on topic.
I haven't written for more than a month now since I decided last Christmas to abandon this blog since I saw that there was no use for it anymore.
For the past month, Jessica was busy with this pageant she joined in Binan, Laguna. We weren't able to communicate much since she had a really hectic schedule. Not that it's a big deal, but I'll be honest enough to admit that it really made me miss her a lot. We never had a meaningful conversation because everytime we were able to talk or SMS it was either just a "hi" or a "good night".
She didn't make the top of the pageant, even if she was clearly one of the quality candidates, no bias in my opinion. But then again, a lot were taller than her and apparently that was a factor. And the one who won the pageant was the daughter of a city employee, who also was the niece of the mayor. So no question there, it was the connections that boosted her. No point in arguing who should win, what's done is done. A trophy can always be won, but experience is hard to come by.
Yesterday, while I was surfing the net and playing a game of DotA, she texted me to call her. I wasn't really expecting her to tell me anything maybe she just wanted to say hello, so I called her. When she answered my call, she was crying.
Her ex boyfriend called her. He wanted to get back with her, to give him another chance. Now, for the sake of protecting the identity of Jessica's ex boyfriend, I will not say what went wrong with their relationship. He told her that ever since they broke up, he realized that he did not just lose her, he lost a friend, he lost a sister, he lost the love of his life. He won't be able to bear seeing her in another guy's arms.
Suffice to say, he hasn't totally moved on. But so did Jessica. She admitted that she still has feelings for him, but she wouldn't give him another chance because of the familiar pain that she might feel again. She told me that she was so hurt when they broke up that now, even if she is about to fall for someone else, she has to contain her feelings because of her fear of getting hurt again. She told me that a broken glass can always be fixed, but you will always see the cracks. She asked me what I thought about the matter, and even if I really wanted to speak my mind, I denied my own opinion for the sake of not having a bias in the advice I would give her.
"A glass can always be fixed, but you can always see the cracks - but then again, if you were to melt the glass and make a new one, that's another story"
I told her that he made a mistake. Maybe even more than once. But who knows, people do change. Even if they are prone to repeat mistakes, some people sincerely change for the better. With this in mind, he too could have also changed. Maybe this time, it would be forever. I know I don't have the right to influence her decision, as long as she is happy I'd be happy as well. Her smile is what inspires mine.
"Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you missed" - a lesson to those who take things, people, and opportunities for granted.
I could really tell that she was really in love with him, and maybe even still is. Honestly, I don't know what to feel. I mean, I'm kind of caught in the middle. I am her friend, and I wanna help her. I want to help her decide on what to do without any bias, yet let's be honest, I'm in love with her. I'm trying not to be jealous, but I don't know - do I have the right to be jealous?
I'm still trying to sort things out for myself. I want to know the things that I should really pursue - the things that I want to be part of my future, the people I wanna have in my life, and the things that I must leave behind. Am I wasting my time? My effort? My affection? It's been 3 years since my last relationship, but I don't care how long I have to wait. But I wanna know if I really am waiting for something. I need a sign! But is it selfish to ask for one? I know I must be patient, but patience over something that yields nothing is but a waste of your time. Nevertheless, I'll trudge on believing what I want. I know that I will have my day, that I will have that moment with her.
I'll see to it she will never talk to anyone about how I broke her heart, but talk about how I am part of it.
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